Toxic

My Backstory

White flakes fell from the sky in a flurry. The window was slightly open letting in the chilly air. Thin icicles hung in a pattern on my ledge. Winter. My favorite season for two reasons. It matched my mood. Cold exterior. And you had to look a little deeper just to find the beauty of it. Or in this case, a lot deeper considering it was snowing in NY. There were no snowcapped trees and houses with chimneys. There were dull brick buildings and honking cars. Finding the beauty may be tough, but at least you know it's there. I like to think that we all have some inner beauty no matter how ugly or rotten you think your soul is.

The second reason I like winter is because it's the only way I can hide my ugly red scars. I wore a long black knit sweater with jeans and a pair of ratty shoes to go with it. My long black hair was thrown into a messy bun. My eyes that were once bright with hope are now a dark shade of green. The golden flecks in my eyes which I called my 'symbol of happiness' were gone too. I was just one dull mess. The only thing I had left was a silver ring with a leafy pattern swirling around the front. I've been wearing it every day for as long as I can remember on my index finger. I found it in a box of my mother's things. I can't help but feel like it was left for me. If only she were here to tell me.

I believe that there is one disaster in everyone's life that makes their world come crashing down. Rich people lose their money or have their taxes raised and become broke. They end up living in a box with a five dollar bill in their pocket. The Queen of England is constantly being watched and can't do anything without being judged by the public. If she were to suddenly lash out it would be all over the news and that would stick with her until the crown was passed down. You get the role in an action movie and become a mega rich movie star but then paparazzi are watching you sleep and you start to see camera flashes even when they're not there. This disaster is the point where the person faces reality.

I realized a long time ago that reality wasn't about what was right in front of you. It was about how you interpreted and reacted to a situation. In my case, I interpret my life to be broken. I interpret myself to be broken. Both emotionally and physically. I'm not sure why I was put here. Because I am almost certain that life was not for me. 'Almost' being the operative word.

If my intention in life was to serve as amusement for the wicked or be constantly hated, then I found my calling. You've seen the same story where the victim gets bullied and comes home rushing into the arms of their loving parents. You've seen the same story where the victim has a friend to comfort them in thier times of need. But this is not one of those stories.

Let's start from the beginning. I was born on October 14th. Which is today by the way. My mother died giving birth to me. And my father hated me because of it. He began to drink a lot and sold drugs for a living. I'm surprised I didn't die as a newborn. The money he made was used it for his beer which meant he wasn't wasting anything on me. This led to my job that I was blessed with. A waitress at some well-known bar. It pays enough for food and clothes.

I wasn't very known through elementary or middle school. I was more the quiet and reserved person. No one really minded. My best friends Julia Cain and Matthew Douglas always stuck by my side. I told them everything except about my father. I couldn't drag them into that. In high school, Matt became the school's star quarterback and Julia became a cheerleader. Meanwhile, I was still on the sidelines watching them grow.

I thought they would stay like they always did. But that changed. I came into school one day and people scoffed in my presence and gave me dirty looks. Me, being the naive girl I was then, went to Julia and Matt to ask what was wrong. That's when the bullying started. My best friends turned against me. The entire school turned against me. Julia Cain was now a conceited brat who couldn't break a nail and Matthew Douglas was an egoistical jerk who wouldn't shut up about how great he is. They became toxic. They spread their intoxication to the entire school. You can practically smell the fumes of their poison when you step through the school doors.

Now everyone hates me. They would rather push me down the stairs than comfort me. I would know. It's happened before. To this day I still question what I did that was so horrible. I still wonder why I had to be the one everyone pushed around. The questions drove me insane.

I was already getting beaten at home. Now it had to come to school. I would've had to break at one point. This was my disaster. This was when I faced reality.

Dad usually wasn't home when I was there. He came a few hours later. The perfect amount of time to start sobbing about my worthless life. So I locked myself in the bathroom and took out my 'loving mother.' The one that actually showed me the truth. My razor. Slashes were cut all over my arms leaving me scarred. I know you're probably screaming inside your head telling me all the things that are wrong with cutting. But for me it's different.

I don't do it to forget the reality around me. We've already established that I've faced reality. Besides, if I wanted to do that I would take one of my father's beers. I do it as a reminder. A reminder that I'm unwanted. A reminder to myself that I don't belong here. I'm already broken. Might as well dress the part. When the torture ends, no one will remember me, no one will feel my agony. The only thing left to represent my life will be these scars.

No one can see them now though. They might interfere in my little experiment. You see, I've given myself an expiration date. Exactly one month from today. And in that one month, I will run an experiment. If the results are not what I want, then I will let myself slip. If they see even a sliver of a scar, they will get suspicious. They will call the authorities and I will have to testify. They will put me in a mental ward or even worse... try to convince me to live.

If you're not into listening to a broken girl's thoughts then I don't know why you even bothered reading this. For those who stay, let me give you a warning. This is a story about a broken girl's last breaths. You may as well be scarred for life. I understand if you can't share my burden. It is mine and mine alone to bear. I couldn't take it at first. I couldn't believe that my life had such a turn out. I kept convincing myself, it's all dream.

None of this is real. I'm asleep. My mother will wake me up. My arms will be free from scars. My father will love me. They will celebrate my birthday. Of course they will. This is all a dream. They will make my favorite breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. They will give me gifts and hug me and tell me I'm loved. I can just picture myself sitting on the floor with them on either side of me. I can hear the distant ping of the doorbell. I see myself running up to it and then my best friends coming in with a chocolate cake while they all sing happy birthday.

It hurts to think about it. That's the life I could have had. If my mother had lived so I would have a family. Sometimes I hate her for leaving me to this. For letting me live for something so little. But then I start to praise her because she was determined to give me a life even if it meant sacrificing her own. She couldn't have known what my father would do to me. She just wanted me to live. It hurts to know I will never have that life. It hurts to know that the one I have now is so ruined. It broke me. Reality always catches up with me. And it always breaks me.

My true reality is this. Beauty is only skin deep. No one cared enough about me to dig a little deeper and find what was within.

Like I said in the description, this is my first dark story. I'm really just expanding my limits of genre writing. Tell me what you think! Also, Separated By a Wall will be updated soon probably in the next week or so. If your into romance in the future then check that out! I also wrote Written in the Stars which was my first story here on Wattpad. It sucks and I'll probably post one more part and end it but if you like best friends realizing they love each other then go for it! Don't forget to leave a comment AND... stick around for next chapter. I'll see you all soon!