Wake me

One

Our eyes locked across the room. Familiar chocolate orbs promising innocence and honesty. Music thumped loudly and the smell of heavy smoke with an underlying mix of sweat and booze clogged my nostrils. Long dead locks swayed, hiding the shoulders that faced him. His hair was dark too, blending in with the crowded room, leaving only his eyes for me to see. His lips weren’t visible because they were locked on the lips of another. What does it say about our relationship that he betrayed me with this bundle of smudged mascara and split ends? Months of kisses and memories and forever’s given up for fake lashes and sticky fruity perfume. Honestly, I was offended. 

I wondered if he would beg for my forgiveness or take that as our break up, or maybe just assume all was fine; we weren’t official after all. This was when the jolt of shock became apparent. Why was I shocked? It wasn't that I'd been betrayed by the only person I'd ever given my heart too. No, what shocked me was my own apathy. I should care, I knew that. I felt deeply for this guy. I thought he was different and that he loved me too. Finding out the devotion was all an act should have crushed me, should have plunged me into tears and hysterics, but it didn’t. I guess I expected it, deep down. He was just a step in the cycle. 

Considering this, I wandered outside; the warm air of late summer was refreshing, taking the edge off of the echo of vodka that still lingered in my mouth. Gingerly avoiding a pile of sick I approached the patio edge, where I surveyed the large garden with my foggy mind. Out on the grass, smack bang in the middle of it all, was a guy. I couldn’t tell who it was or what he looked like as he lay on his back like a starfish, arms and legs spread out wide. It seemed like a really good Idea, so I dragged my tired limbs off the ledge where they lay in fatigued slumber, and trudged over to him.  Suddenly exhausted, I flopped down beside him and stared up at the stars.

I didn’t speak to him; just lay there in harmony contemplating the world. The stars were so pretty, like a thousand tiny eyes looking over me, guarding me. I thought about sleeping- my limbs were heavy and my head was groggy, but a considerable group of partiers had emerged and remained frolicking on the balcony. Amongst them was Ivy, a friend of mine. Drink made me sleepy, but it turned her wild and oblivious; a dangerous combination in a girl already so loud and charismatic.

Beside me a loud groan rumbled from the guys chest.

“Why don’t they just shut up?” I asked no one, my eyes watering slightly. I wondered if I was crying because of Danny, who had failed to run after me, or maybe Ivy. She had seen the entire thing, but her drunken mind hadn’t registered the betrayal as important enough for her assistance. It annoyed me that she was making such a noise – laughing and chatting animatedly with everyone whilst I lay here with a silent stranger, all alone.

A faint “mmhmm” echoed from beside me. The guy had rolled over to face me, but I still lay face up. He told me his name was Luca. 

Rachel came out and joined in chatting with Ivy and the others, soon followed by Marie. Eyes that had been dry and lined with neat black when Danny was making out with Saffron, were now smudged with tears. Should I have gone and comforted Maire? Ivy grabbed her arm and rushed her away. Rachel caught my eye and asked if I was alright, not waiting for my shaky reply before following the others inside. 

I turned to face Luca and told him how I felt betrayed by them, more so than Danny. I confessed that I didn’t really care what had made Marie cry, because she always cried, and what made her tears more important than mine? Luca listened. Had anyone ever done that before?

"Why are you with him when you obviously don't care about him?" his voice was smooth and deep.

"-and its okay not to care, because it they all seem to care more about themselves than you anyway,". I think he was drunk too, because he didn't seem to realise how blunt that was. It made me cry even more, and although I knew if I brought it up to them they would probably find a way to justify their actions, I couldn’t find the inclination to listen to my superficial friends. 

My tears were now flowing in ferocious spurts. I told Luca that all guys were like Danny, and that he was pretty and that was all that mattered to me. I'd never admitted my own vanity before. He told me that not all guys were like that and that it was possible to care about somebody other than yourself. Wiping my eyes clean, I observed his honest expression. Tousled hair black like charcoal framed deep green eyes. Didn't they seem familiar?

I told him he was prettier than Danny anyway, and it made him smile. His smile was beautiful, displaying nearly perfect neat white teeth and red lips. I wanted to see it again, so I repeated what I’d said. This time I was rewarded with a laugh, deep and masculine. He told me that I was adorable and kissed me on the nose. This made me feel about five years old, and I realised that he was older than me. Only the year above, which in the grand scheme of things is nothing, but when you're at high school it means alot. 

We talked for hours and I wondered if he had been implying that it was him who was different. He certainly seemed so, like he actually payed attention to what I was saying. The preciousness of that feeling was fragile and I held on tightly to the euphoria I got from it. Luca had an interesting view on things and we discussed everything. It was easy because we didn’t know each other, so we didn’t need to argue over a difference of opinions and instead just accepted them. It was refreshing.

During our conversation we had gotten closer together, and I'd turned away from the stars to face him. I noticed him looking at my lips and it thrilled me. I leaned into him, my hand brushing soft hair that I now realised was not black but a dark brown, as it was illuminated by the porch light.

 The sound of heels clicking starteld me so I pulled away. Out onto the patio walked Saffron, and I turned away from Luca to glare at her. Her tights were laddered, and her make up had run, but I couldn't help noticing how pretty she was despite this. Her nose was petite and her eyes were large and innocent. I barely knew her, but she had crossed a line with me. I may have made a bad decision with Danny, but that didn’t mean I was going to let her steal him. She looked really hurt and frustrated. I couldn’t bring myself to feel sympathetic; in fact I couldn’t help the victorious smile that slipped on my face. 

“You’re such a bitch!” she screeched at me, and my smile dropped in shock. Her green eyes were now filled with tears.

“You can’t accept that Danny prefers me to you, and so you get back at me like this? Who does that? It’s pathetic!” she yelled, pointing at the two of us lying together before storming back inside. I turned to Luca in confusion, to find his eyes morphed by disgust and pain. I didn't understand. Was he dating her? 

“She’s right, that’s an ugly thing to do. You're so manipulative,” he growled. Could they have been  together?  It just didn't make sense. Was I the only one uncomfertable with my boyfriend kissing other people? It was just so hypocritical. This irritated me and I couldn't help blurting out -

"Are you kidding? We didn't do anything? What the hell?" My eyes must have shown my complete mystification, but his were hard and unforgiving. He didn't dignify me with a response, instead stomping straight over to Saffron, putting his arm around her and walking her away - leaving me lying on the grass alone.

It seemed so cold without him there. My life seemed to have come full circle in one night, and I ended it lying broken, but as the effect of drink wore off I found my despair returning once again to emptiness. It was at this point that I worked it out. Why Luca instantly protected Saffron. Why Luca's green eyes were so familiar, and if I thought about it, weren't her roots the same midnight brown as his?