Very familiar with death. (frerard)

Imagine

"Imagine watching someone you care about drown. Could you?

Imagine it all: somewhere you can imagine easily, a fucking boat or something, helplessly watching them drown. Watching them in their last moments. Seeing them struggle, fighting for their own life and then-

Nothing.

Their body sinks, out of view. Gone - forever. It's the last time you, or anyone else sees them. You were the last one. The one who could have helped.

And yet you didn't do a single fucking thing about it.

Could you possibly?

Because that's the best way I could explain it, really.

He had Mikes- Mikey by his throat, he was trying his hardest and.." Gerard took a shaky breath.

"And what, Gerard?"

"And he dropped. I watched him drop to the ground and he didn't move he didn't breathe he didn't do a single fucking thing because he was dead. And you don't do anything when you're dead you just; die, right?"

"Right, Gerard. Go on."

"Right. Well, that's what happened and I couldn't do anything and I hate him, I hate him."

Hate. It was a word that ran through Gerard's mind a lot, maybe because it was all he'd ever known, maybe because he just couldn't help but hate so many people.

"And who do you hate, Gerard? Do you remember?"

"Of course I do. I've told you countless times, sir."

"You mean your father, Gerard. Is that who you mean?"

"No, I mean, yes. But he's not my father."

"Okay. Why is that?"

"Why not?"

Dr. Weekes gave a small sigh, then gave a small, supportive, maybe, smile at Gerard.

Gerard often did this. And by now, Dr. Weekes had been used to it.

"Gerard, could you tell me, why do you often dodge this question?"

"Because. I don't like him." False. Gerard was fucking hurt by him, and everything he'd done. He fucked Gerard up, and now Gerard would have to live with that for the rest of his life.

He made Gerard see things that most people would never have to see in an entire lifetime at just no more than eight years old.

He watched his own little brother be strangled to death by his own father- well, maybe not 'father' if that's how Gerard preferred it, but you get the point.

"Or maybe you're hurt by this all? Which is okay, Gerard. It's perfectly normal."

"Maybe I'm not perfectly normal, sir."

Maybe not.

-

what the fuck am I writing though ????