back in time I was really depressed and there were times that I wanted to die.
I even made up plans how I could go without leaving a bloody mess.
but I just couldn’t do it, I was anxious and didn’t know how the people would react, if they’d eventually noticed that I had been there in their environment, how they’d feel, what they would say about me and what they would do to my family.
and I couldn’t handle the pain.
I guess no one even knew how i felt because I was all introvert and covered everything up with a pretty, fake smile.
I lost weight, I changed physically, but no one knew about my thoughts, about the dark times I went through, and even my best friend, whom I told everything didn’t believe me, she said I was just attention seeking and she also had problems to deal with, that I wasn’t a baby, that I shouldn’t bother others with irrelevant stuff.
I did self harm, not cutting, but I destroyed myself psychologically, but after all I survived. I saw that I needed help because otherwise I would not have survived it until now, I finally noticed that I was in a deep depression and that I needed to change my life completely. plus I didn’t want to lose my best friend, because I pleased her and wanted her to be my friend since she was the only one I had and since I would have been completely alone without her, and believe me when I say that without her, being all alone, having no friends would have made me take my life.
last autumn I had the strength to leave her though, she wanted to change me and I found new friends that saw how I ‘self harmed’ (since I began being depressed again after 2 years of recovery) and they made me leave her behind, we are no friends anymore and for the first time ever I know that there are people that love me the way I am,
that probably judge me, but that are willing to look after me when I’m feeling down or bad, because this tends to happen occasionally.
nevertheless I then recovered and didn’t feel bad the slightest. I even forgot about all the things because I live by the rule to not think about the past because it’s happened and you cannot change anything about it.
but now I started getting some of these depressing feelings again and I’m scared to relive the things I did when I was about 15/16/17.
I can’t do it. this time I’m sure I would end it, by it I mean my life.
that’s why I’m in a dilemma forcing me to concentrate on the great opportunities life has been giving me.
I will not let myself go this time, I will be strong enough to get over this and no one will influence me badly, words hurt and I still feel worse when people call me names but I try my hardest to not listen to them.
