Fixing Up Valerie

Gray Or Is It Silver? - 1

Sunday Night
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock

I repeat to myself As I try to breathe. Breathe in and out. Repeat. That stupid therapist said this would help the attacks. But does it really? No, it increases my breathing and gives me more panic. It just reminds me of time, and I didn't get enough of that to tell them what I felt. Time didn't allow me to be with them longer. No, time decided to speed things up a bit and take both of my loved ones. That greedy bastard. Taking the two most important people from my life. I'll never get to see them, unless time decides to take me away right now, doesn't seem like a bad idea.
But since time isn't speeding things up. I'll just help out a little. Or a lot. The tub is full with water and I'm forcing my whole body to sink.

Before sinking, I grabbed my one and only favorite friend. Rectangular shaped, gray, or is it silver? Does it even matter? And how could I forget the sharp edge? Oh, what a beautiful scene it is when it collides with my skin. The red liquid oozing immediately when it makes contact. But that isn't enough. No, I have to make more to make this work; so I make more of this exquisite art piece on my whole arm. There, it all goes dripping down and around my arms. I bring it to the tub water and for the first time I feel pain. It hurts so bad. But life is full of disappointments so keep going. I keep my body underwater and seconds later I open my eyes to see the red liquid from my arm spreads in the water, immediately the water in the bathtub turns red and then darker. And it makes me happy, I finally get to see my favorite shade of red.

Then it hits me. Red. This was the color mom had on that day. She looked so happy and minutes later it was ruined. But at least she got to leave with the love of her life. Wait. Dad. If he saw me like this he would be so disappointed. Hell, mom too. They're not here anymore. Mom and dad are dead and aren't coming back.
My mind is telling me this but I know they can still watch over me. And they made me promise them to keep making them proud. And I finally realize what I'm doing, and it's anything but proud.

Get up. And I do so. I get up and sit in the tub. I reach out to the floor and grab the towel and wipe off the blood on my arms. I keep wiping until nothing comes out. Soon realizing what I'm surrounded by I shudder. Then I unclog the water and just gaze as the bloody water is draining just like my soul. If only it was as quick as this bathtub.

I turn on the shower and it's cold, back then it would bug me a whole lot. Except now my whole body is so numb from many mixed emotions. So it wouldn't bother if it was steaming hot water. I stay on the shower floor and bring my knees up to my chest. I sob and sob as loud as I can and no one will complain. Because there's no one home but me, if only I was alone temporary. But time had other plans, I'm alone until someone actually bothers to care, which I doubt since it's been 2 months since mom and dad have been gone. 2 months since I've had to talk to anyone.

Until tomorrow.