Hey, My name's Lucy ;D
Just by my name, you probably think I'm an average english kid. I wish i was average, I wish I was english, I wish i felt like a kid.
Life isn't what i excpected. When I was younger, I really wanted to know my family secret's, the secret's no-one would talk to me about and when they did talk about them they would shoo me out of the room, close the door and whisper. My dad told me that he would tell me the secret's when he knew I could handle them.
I'm a stupid human and I wouldn't wait. So like most people who don't know something and want to know that thing, I googled it.
If i'm honest, I wasn't excpecting much. I didn't think my family would be on the internet. We're not that unusual.
Well I was just soo wrong.
I knew my dad had been somewhere bad. We had visited him from when I was three till i was about 6 or 7. But I could never really remember what it was. He never moaned about when he was there or when he came home. He never speaks about it now.
Well anyway, I found some stories on my family. They were really up-setting and for a few day's, I didn't tell anyone I knew. I realised that everyone else In my family knew what had happened and It didn't seem to bother them. Or they never expressed their feelings about it, around me anyway.
After about 3 days of not telling anyone, I got really annoyed. I didn't understand why they had thought I couldn't handle our secret. I began to hate my family.
Although I hated them, I still acted like everything was normal. I was planning revenge on these people. I thought I didn't need them. I honestly thought I could make it on my own.
Although I felt like my insides were being pulled out of my body, bit by bit. I still had to go to school, I still had to carry on with life. Although i thought about giving up and leaving, I told myself that I would make the world pay.
On the fourth night of not telling everyone, I honestly felt like my whole life had shattered. And the worst part was, that I had chosen to google it. Even though my dad had told me he would tell me when i was ready.
Well that night, I could no longer do it on my own. So i told my mum. She was more empathetic than I excpected.
I felt better after I had told my mum. But I knew when I lay in my bed that night that my life would never be the same after that moment. Although i hoped the heart ache would subside or dull down over time, I was more than aware that secret's like that, Secret's that were hidden for so long, Secret's that I no-longer wanted to know, where thing's that would scar someone's brain for a lifetime. They would leave a for-ever fresh footprint on someones heart. Rather than a footprint, It was more like a un-invited mud track that would stain your heart like it was a white carpet.
But in a way, I didn't regret finding this 'secret' out for myself. I thought of it like an adventure.
After a few day's, I knew my dad had somehow found out that I knew. At first I felt ashamed but that did not last long. I knew that the mistakes my family made were not as a result of my behaviour, I was just a mere shadow of their regret's. I decided that i would not be a mirror of their actions, I would be my very own person and I would not carry on in their cold shadow, I would step out into the warm embrace of the sun. Although I do hate heat..
At the time, I felt as though my life had stopped and that the 'secret' would forever change the event's of my life.
To my suprise, Everything faded and the fact that I knew had now moulded it's self with the fact that everyone else knew.
Eventhough it had all faded, I am still finding new things about the secret. Even to this day, I am not sure exactly what had happened.
To most people, this 'secret' would be something that you could never forgive your family for not telling you. But I guess, my family is such a big part of my life that if I could never forgive them for not telling me then I would be alone for the rest of my life.
When I walk into a room, I don't notice that the sign say's welcome. I notice that the lady sitting on the desk chair has her hair held up with nothing but a pencil. I notice that the window paintings are fading and tigger's tail looks like a dead snake. I don't notice that my appointment starts in five minutes, according to the clock on the wall. I notice that the floor is obviously cleaned on a weekly basis but the cleaner isn't to enthusiastic about their job since the corners of the floor, where the wall meet's the linoleum floor, are covered in grime. Some people would choose to say that i suffer from OCD, Aspergers Syndrome and Dyspraxia. I would say that I've been graced with the challenge of being a normal person in a scary world with the added bonus of having Dyspraxia, Aspergers Syndrome and OCD.
