and for that I do not love you
it was a Friday morning in early July, the sun was rising with a celebration of vast colors
my family had began its journey to the cog railway in which we would journey up the mountain side
and I sat beside you in a quite manor, when I managed a short laugh about a mistake you had made when you spoke, to receive a harsh comeback of " well I apologize for not being as perfect as you see yourself to be" and that was when my heart shattered
because little do you know, you are the reason I will never be able to find myself perfect
you ruined me
and for that I do not love you
when I was little, I would practice my current sport outside, and when I did it for thirty minutes, it should have been forty
when I got a B plus it should have been an A
and every time I heard should, I saw myself of a little less
and for that I do not love you
I was ten when I first looked into the mirror and had to change my outfit because I was afraid of what others thought of me
and eleven when I started wearing makeup
because I felt as though I was not good enough to settle for
and I still believe I am not good enough to settle for
and for that I do not love you
through high school I began a journey where I hurt myself and purged until I fainted
and although I chose to do this to myself, you were the one that made me believe it was okay to feel enough pain that I must tear my skin limb from limb to feel something other than misery
in the morning you would curse at me because I am a horrible child
and then tuck me in at night with an, you're amazing
and I was taught to not trust a word you said
and every time someone tells me I am beautiful or they love me I only break into tears as those words will never have meaning to me
and for that I do not love you
you make me feel as though it is okay to hurt myself
and for that I do not love you
you make me feel as though I am not good enough
and for that I do not love you
you make me feel as though I am alone and unwanted
and for that I do not love you
you have given me a curse in which I may never be okay with myself and who I am
and for that I do not love you
you hurt me.
and for that I do not love you
