My great perhaps

1.

24,25,26 and 27 of November 2014

How can anyone love me when I can't even stand to be myself

Do you ever just want to crawl into a ball and disappear

Do you have that friend that on one night you talk about absolutely everything and then after it's not the same and you feel like you like her more than she likes you and you want to talk about things but there just isn't any time

I am way to hard on myself. For example when I get French tests back and I get maybe a 92% I still get really upset I didn't do better and I pick out the all the small mistakes I made and basically just use them to put myself down.

When people sing along to songs or when people just start singing in a group I get really scared that I will have to sing or do something because singing, dancing or acting in front of people is one of my biggest fears.

At school I always feel like everyone is looking at me and gossiping about me and talking about me and judging me and this makes me really self conscious

I get really uncomfortable when the topic of weight comes up because I am really self conscious of how much I weigh because let's face it I am a big girl, I'm tall and not thin but not really big. When for example people are giving other people piggy backs or carrying people around I get really uncomfortable and I tend to always be the carrier not the person being carried. I get really scared when someone goes to pick me up or piggyback me because I am scared I will hurt them because I weigh to much

When I am around my friends very rarely do I actually act like my true self I am always pushing down the urge to say things and do things.

I am so self conscious it makes me sick. I can't stop picking out my flaws and imperfections when I am around people. I am to tall, my legs are to fat etc.

My life is basically I look in the mirror sometimes and all I see are imperfections and I can't stop picking out my flaws. But there are very rare occasions that I feel good about my appearance only to feel self conscious again when I am around my friends.

I am always stressed and when I am stressed I think about how stressed I am and then that stresses me out more and then I can feel the tears welling up and I can't stop them.

Around my friends I feel like a piece or driftwood, the third wheel and the annoying friend everyone wishes would go away. I just feel so self conscious like everybody is judging me but I can't do anything so I just sit there and pick out all my imperfections. And compare myself to my friends and just wish I could disappear

I wish I could write down what I am feeling but that would take thousands of words and I do not have the time or patience

I see my friends with other friends when they are having a good time and I just feel jealous and sad because I can't be that friend and I feel like no one would realise if I just went and jumped off a cliff, they would probably realise after about a week and be like "oh where's adri?"