Should I?

Thoughts

"What are you doing?" Chris asked as he looked over at me, I shut my cellphone down quickly trying to hide the fact that I had indeed been staring at a picture of Sam for maybe a bit too long.

"Nothing. Just. . .Seeing if we have any service. We don't. We should head up!" I said, brushing away a few loose brown strands that had gotten stuck on my eyelashes and pulled my beanie on farther on my head. I could tell Chris knew I was lying, but how could I tell him that I was in love with someone else? Chris has been my boyfriend ever since. . .the incident.

Of course everyone knows the story, and honestly we're all surprised we even came back up here after all of that. The anniversary of Hannah and Beth's Death leading to more death just a year later and now another year has gone by and we're going back. You probably think we're all crazy for doing it but we really need closure and Josh (Who has been seeing a therapist and taking his medication regularly, we've all been watching over him like a hawk, mostly Chris.) had actually come back up here with Chris and they both cleared out every Wendigo on the mountain, it sounds impossible, but they somehow managed, with help from Mike and Sam of course. They both refused to let the bros go up there alone without some form of backup. After the creatures were all killed and souls released into the air, the lodge was re built to it's original beauty, at least that's what Chris told me when they finished the job and Josh had invited him back up over the summer to check it out.

In the end of all the violence that last year Chris and I did end up together but it just doesn't feel right, and I think he feels the same way but is to scared to tell me. We started off in a sort of honeymoon stage, never leaving each others side and just relishing in the attention of the other, but as time went on we became more and more distant, we don't even kiss each other anymore. I don't want to end it in fear of hurting him, so I haven't. I've been lying to him and I can tell he's been lying to me. He always seems to be at Josh's place, whether it be noon or 4 in the morning, if I text him he always says he's with Josh. He says it's to make sure he's still taking his medication but I'm suspicious.

But I can't say much. Sam and I also grew a bit closer, Before we weren't the best of friends, only meeting through Chris and Beth at first and after the whole Hannah fiasco we never talked much, but since we all almost died Sam had been coming around my apartment more, apparently she lived the closest to me other than Chris and Josh, and she just didn't have the heart to confront Josh yet after what he had done to us. I forgave Josh, only because he was Chris' best friend and I really did feel bad about stabbing Josh in the shoulder when he attacked us, I still feel a bit uncomfortable around him at times.

During my time with Sam we rarely spoke about what happened, if we did it was short and had barely any detail. One day she asked me exactly what happened to Chris and I while she was taking a bath so I explained it all to her while she listened and then I joked about how long she was taking a bath and somehow never heard any of it. She kept apologising after that so I had to hug her and promise her over and over again that none of it was her fault and that she couldn't have known any of that would have happened to us. That night we fell asleep on the couch in the middle of watching Legally Blonde. And that morning was probably the day I realized I was in love with Sam and when the feelings I thought I had for Chris began to fade. I feel terrible for having them fade so easily but what the heart wants, it wants. I'm just not strong enough to tell Chris. Or Sam for that matter. But waking up curled up with the dirty blonde haired girl in my arms looking perfect in the morning sunlight made my heart just jump right out my chest from how amazing and serene it all was. I felt like I belonged next to her, though when she woke up I acted like I was asleep myself and I could hear her giggle a bit as she slowly slid out of my grasp then shook me 'awake' to tell me she had to head home. She came back the next day with plans to go cliff climbing in Alaska and said she wouldn't be back for at least a month. She invited me to go with but I declined, knowing I had other things to do and worry about, like classes, which I had taken too much time off of.

I missed her during that month. She sent me pictures of all the fun she was having, well, most of her messages were her saying she wish I was there with. It made my heart ache. Chris seemed to notice my mood during that month and spent more time with me and inviting me to hang out with Josh and him. Every time he mentioned Josh I would decline and let him spend time with the mentally unstable boy by himself, since Josh just seemed uncomfortable when I was around.

Speaking of which here he was. I heard the crunch of snow and noticed Josh making his way down to us, grinning that cheeky ass grin of his that just fit him all too perfectly.

"Hey guys! So glad you both could make it. Sam, Mike, Jessica, and Matt are up at the cable car already. I said I wanted us to all stick together this time around. Emily said she wasn't coming, apparently she met this guy in her Medieval Renaissance whatever class and yeah. So. . .guess we're all set." Josh said and clapped his hands together, turning and motioning for us to follow. Chris held his hand out to me and I smiled, grasping his hand though it just didn't feel right. I noticed Josh look back at us and when his eyes drifted to our hands his smile seemed to falter for a split second before returning strong as ever, even a bit forced looking, I thought into it as much I knew I needed to as I made out hands fall back to our sides, Chris didn't look offended, just a bit confused.

As soon as we showed up we piled into the cable car, they seemed to have gotten a new one since this one was actually bigger than it was the year before. I sat down next to Sam who gave me a smile and grabbed my hands, gushing about her trips that she had been on, I blushed slightly as I looked at our hands being intertwined as they were and could only smile as Sam continued to talk all about her trips. I looked over at Chris and Josh and my heart melted when I saw how Chris was looking at Josh as the brunette was talking happily about something to Mike and him. I looked back at Sam and could only feel butterflies in my stomach and that's when I knew I had to end it with Chris so we can both be happy.

I just have to find the perfect time. When? I'm not sure. I'll figure it out eventually.