Anathema

The Very Beginning

On the very first day of my freshman year I wore blue jeans, a purple shirt featuring a ridiculous panda with the words "hug it out" printed on it with bold black letters, and converse displaying mustaches on them. Completely idiotic.

Back then I had long brown hair, on the first day I wore it down and slightly curled at the ends. I actually woke up early to do that. Back then I also cared about my appearance.

As I got off my overfilled and loud bus I looked around frantically to find my boyfriend, Tyler. We had been dating since eighth grade and we hadn't really seen eachother over the summer. Once I spotted him I basically tackled him just to hug him. I adored that boy, I would've done anything for him.

After a while of chatting with friends that I no longer talk to, the bell rings and we get to go to a pep assembly. Back then, I lived for school spirit. I was so happy to be there, I thought it was so great. I was confident and happy.

I go to Infinity High School in a very small town with a lot of children, our school mascot is a bear.

I cheer along with the cheerleaders "I-N-F-I-N-I-T-Y" over and over, screaming that I love this school. And at the time I really did love that school and all those people. I thought of them as sort of a family.

During the assembly Tyler didn't talk to me or sit next to me, he payed attention to Marissa. Sure they had been friends for like four years but I was still so jealous of how close they were. I couldn't help but want to be the one he told everything, I wanted to be his number one. But the sad truth was that I could never be that person.

Finally the cheering and screaming and games came to an end and we went to our classes. The first few weeks of school went by like that. Tyler kept ditching me for Marissa and I hung out with the friends I had back then, Vanessa and Monica.

August 28, 2013 was the day that sent me into spiraling depression. The day that everything changed for me. The day I stopped caring about school spirit and whether or not I had friends. The day that the snowball effect began.

That day, Tyler broke up with me over text message. I could deal with just being broken up with but what came next I could not handle. Tyler confessed a deep dark secret, he was gay and he had been cheating on me since July.

I was devastated. I was shocked and hurt and angry. I just ignored him after he told me the secret. I couldn't believe I was so blind. How could I not have seen it. How could he do that to me? Why not just tell me in the beginning so I wouldn't fall for him. I loved him so much and all I was, was just a coverup. Just some girl to convince people that he was straight.

I went to sleep at 5:30 that day because I couldn't bare to stay awake and think about it all. I woke up again at 3:00 o'clock in the morning, crying. I sat up and sobbed quietly into my hands as I thought of how I might even face the day ahead of me. I couldn't fall asleep again so I read a book, one of my favorite books, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower".

There were a lot of things I didn't understand in that book but I was about to find out what it was like.

My alarm went off as I finished the second part of the book. I really didn't feel like getting ready so I wore grey jeans with a Santana shirt. I didn't bother combing my hair. It was already a little cold so I slipped into my grey sweater and began the walk to the bus stop.

I already didn't talk to people on the bus so no one noticed I was sad. I just put in my headphones and listened to Adele. I quickly drifted to sleep, I woke up when we hit a bump and I hit my head on the window.

We arrived at school and I had no idea what to do. I used to look for Tyler right away but now I have nowhere to go. I had no one, I had basically given up most of my friends for him.