Open Letter

To the One I Left in the Dark

Hi,

How am I gonna start? Honestly, I don't even know where. Hahaha I'm struggling so please bear with me if the order of ideas in this letter is mixed up, I find it hard to do this but I've got to for a little peace of mind and to make things indirectly clear for you.

First off, I'm sorry for being a person who is very hard to understand. Thank you for still being there when I let you see the different sides of me. Thank you for understanding and for not leaving my side. All that I had shown you are the sides of me that I show to different people, I showed you ALMOST all of it. Why almost? Because there is still one side of me that I'm not yet ready to show you. It's not that easy for me. You know how I am with problems right? I have difficulties in sharing them to you but not to some selected people. I know I said I won't ever do it, but I am trying my very best to not to, sorry if I failed you again, but please don't you blame yourself for my actions again. It pains me. I love you so much that I don't want to lose you but all I did was the opposite, I understand if you don't want to continue. I only pray that you'll still stay, you are my strength, you together with my close friends are my strength. I don't normally say this to anyone but I am a suicidal person. Before I met all of you I was a mess. I lived without life, I just went with the flow of life. I was really thankful that I met all of you. I had the strength to carry on and ignore all of the negativity. I learned to fight my depression in my own way. I controlled my suicidal thoughts. I got better and better because of you guys. I know it's a major bomb shell but thats the truth.

All of the problems I had were still with me, they all piled up until I just can't anymore. I've come to the point that I can't control my tears and my breakdowns. I'm sort of transparent right now but the experiences I had made me an expert at hiding my true emotions when I am down, I can smile and laugh genuinely eventhough I am broken inside for many years. It scares me though, what if this keeps going and no one will ever read between the lines. It's very tragic right? But thank you for staying in my life and being my strength. Sometimes I just tell myself to go on and live for you not for me because I know I badly want this to end but I can't leave you all behind. Because of you, because you loved me so well I forgot how broken I was. I'm greatful for that. Now, I might've been cold to you, I am experiencing difficulties right now, I'm not in the right condition. Honestly, I don't trust myself specially my decisions because my sense of reasoning left me. I don't want to do something that I would regret during this time. As they say, "Don't promise when you're happy, Don't reply when you're angry and Don't decide when you're sad." Right now I'm just tired of trying so hard. I just want to ask something of you, please don't get tired of me? Some people had went in my life but we both know why they didn't stay, they've lost interest in me and they've got tired of me. A moment we were inseperable but then as we know it we were just like strangers again, I don't want that to happen with us. You know what, I'm kinda thankful that I experienced this as early as now. It made me strong as a person and it made my faith stronger than before but it just scares me to think how I'm used to sleeping with damp pillows and hiding my pain.

Sometimes I want to be little again, because back then there were no worries aside from what game to play and if I will get to play outside. Growing up I realized, what was I thinking when I said I want to grow up fast? No one ever warned me of these hardships, but either way I am still glad that I have woken up today and that I am still here to say my evening prayer to thank Him for all that he gave me. Indeed God won't give us hardships if we won't get to solve them. Everything that happens to us has a reason. In my journey I've learned that it is okay to cry, it's not being a coward but it's a sign of being strong for too long that you can't take it anymore. Just remember tears are prayers too, they travel to God when we can't speak. I cry. I cried. I'm crying and sometimes these tears are for you. Do you cry about me too? I know you've told me one time that you did, but have you cried as I have cried this past few days? You know, I keep wondering about that. Honestly, I wouldn't want you to but knowing that if you did, it will give me some kind of assurance.

You know what got me through this tough times? Those were our little moments. Yes, no matter how little they are. Even if it's just simple message conversations, how you laughed at something I said, or even how you gave me a piece of candy. It all got me through. That—gosh, that was all that I held on. It's what kept me going and what encouraged me to get better. It's been hell, but with just the thought of you I was at peace in my own hell. It's those key moments that burned bright in my mind. Even if sometimes remembering those hurt, we were all supposed to feel things aren't we?

Maybe life was just a series of phases—one phase after another after another. I know and I hope that this phase in my life will soon be over but I really have a feeling that there is something wrong with me. I guess I was a mystery even to myself. This is all that I can get myself to say—or rather write to you, but hey atleast I had. I just hope that your patience won't waver because I dont even know if I how could take it but if the inevitable would happen, just know, know that I would(or might) understand.

I will demolish all of these walls for you, just not now. x

Note:
The italiced words are quotations from "Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe" by Benjamin Alire Saenz and "The Last Time We Say Goodbye" by Cynthia Hand. I would recommend you to read these if you haven't yet, such great books.

@justsomeotherauthor xo