Delirium

Chapter One - Attempt

Depression is a horrible thing. Depression is drowning in a shallow two-foot pool. All you meed to do to survive is to stand up.. but somethings holding you down and it is restricting you from breathing. Depression is screaming in a crowded room with no one to hear the cries of pain, coming from deep down. They can't hear you. They don't care enough to try. Most of all, depression is-constant sadness. It's constant pain, bringing you down all the time; it's all thanks to the words others say. The words they spoke out of pure hatred, with not a single thought of how they might affect the person they were spoken to. The words they said without a second thought.

You're fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, unloveable, useless, a whore, emo; why is okay to say all of that to someone? It's not. I know I'm not the only one at this school, specifically, that gets called at least one of these things once a day. At least once a day, I hear one of these words to my face or behind my back. Why?

I'm different.

It was that one person who started it all, that one person who made me feel this way. The one person who made me finally believe it.

And to that person, I say thank you. Thank you for making my life a living hell, thanks for making me feel like no one was there for me. And thank you. Thank you because this is the last time I will ever be seen or heard from again.

But you're right. I should kill myself.

But before I leave on that note, I do want to write something to my "best friend". Thanks, for being there for me in the beginning when this all started. I truely mean it. But I never thought you were to be the one to stab me in the back in the end; I know what you said to your friends about me behind my back. It's not really a secret. You, of all people, should have been there for me. You're the one who promised me you'd be there. You promised you would be there when I wanted to take a blade to my skin, you promised you'd be there at lunch when I turned down food for the third day.

You lied.

Now I'll be gone.

I'm sorry for all the pain this might cause anyone.. if anyone even cares, but remember I'm not blaming anything on anyone. I brought all of this on myself; I deserve it.

Thanks for making me realize it.

Bye mom, I'll miss you and the way you always cared for me.

Bye dad, and even though I didn't show my love for you as my father, I really did love you.

Bye, everyone.

~~~~~~~

I put my pencil down. I could feel my hand slightly shaking, but I didn't care. My mind was set.

As the tears silently streamed down my face, I took my note and folded it into four quarters before taking it into the kitchen and placing it on the table, right where my family would first walk in when they got home. I turned back, and took my last few steps to my room.

"I'm really going to do this.." I whispered to myself. "This time, I won't fail.. or at least I hope not. Not again." I take a deep breath.

I start to search through my closet, looking for anything to use to hang me to my death. It took me awhile to look through all my drawers and all of my hanging clothes, but I finally found a belt.

As I grabbed the belt, the last thing I'd lay my hands on, I saw all the events I used that belt for. Sure it sounds stupid to others, but that belt meant everything to me. My first day of middle school, my first kiss, the day I got my drivers' license..

I shake my head and avoid all of the memories. I wasn't going to pity myself. Not now.

Hesitantly, I tied the belt around my neck and dragged my desk chair under the ceiling fan. As many more tears came from my eyes, I tied the other side of the belt to the base of the fan.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

I kick the chair.

They won. Why did I let them win? My breathing stopped working; my belt was tied pretty tight. The normal, cheery blue of my bed room wall was now stained with black splotches.

But its okay, no one will mind my loss and absense. I won't be missed.

Goodbye, world.