Chris wasn't quite sure when the loneliness chose to strike, or whether it chose a specific time, he only knew that when it was there, it clutched to him like a drunken teen to the stainless bars of a stairway, the cold enveloping him and blocking out all good things in his head. Josh was usually there to help, but on some occasions his loving boyfriend was not present to wrap him in his strong arms and whisper comforting words against the shell of his ear. Chris rarely broke in the presence of his boyfriend, he hated looking weak. But like many other things Joshua insisted that it didn't bother him.
"Chris please, never be afraid to talk to me." Josh murmured, his warm fingers tracing patterns into the chub on Chris's stomach that the man was so self conscious of.But Josh made him feel like a God, like he was the most beautiful thing in the world.
Chris squeezed his eyes shut, trying to focus on that memory, and not the crippling shadows fogging his brain.
"No,no, no, no NO!" Chris mumbled, in increasing volume, his voice trembling slightly. He squeezed himself into a tighter ball, inhaling the scent of pine and Josh's minty shampoo, huddling into his boyfriend's flannel that he'd never bothered to remove. Josh got off his shift at the cafe at 9. He just had to hold on a little longer. But Chris could feel the sob building in his throat. He didn't let himself move, he was afraid of what he was capable in these times of weakness. His wrists and knuckles and forearms showed the aftermath of this, cuts and dark nasty bruises spread across his skin like a morbid canvas painting. He'd managed to hide them from Josh, through several layers and foundation.
Chris tried to think about breathing, to memorize Josh's face, the way his dark blue eyes flitted from Chris's eyes down to his lips, where they wandered curiously, making Chris wonder how long he'd been intrigued about learning how it tastes to be flushed against them. Chris focused on the details of Josh's dark pupils when they widened in desire or hunger. How they'd dilated and glazed over when Chris nearly lost him, in the depths of the mine-
A soft whine escaped the man, as he curled in on himself, clutching at his hair, suppressing the tears that threatened to leak over. He tried to think of something, anything to keep him from the thoughts that caved around him.
Chris focused on the first time for him and Josh. How Josh rode him until he literally cried from desperation. How absolutely beautifully Josh's back arched and his hands pressed down onto Chris's chest his nailbeds turned white. He remembered as Josh lifted himself up, thighs visibly shaking and he was just torturing them both at that point. Like Chris had been tortured and tormented by his thoughts.
Chris let out a whimper, the thoughts wouldn't stop, nothing would stop. Chris rolled up the sleeves of the flannel, scratching at his arms, hoping the pain would steal his thoughts away.
No! He couldn't! He had to stay strong! For Josh. For Beth and Hanna. He needed to.
"Chris oh my god!" Chris barely heard Josh as the man rushed to his side, his satchel dropping to the ground with a dull thud. Chris broke, sobbing into Josh's shoulder, looping his arms around the man's waist.
"Shhh." Josh murmured, pulling the blonde man into his lap and carding a hand through his hair, playing with the bright strands. "Listen you're gonna be okay Cochise, I love you so much, I would die everyday just to spend it with you." Josh whispered into his hair, moving his hands down to his back, slipping them underneath his shirt, and writing words on Chris's spine with his warm fingers.
"There was some lady today that came in with 3 corgis, they were all on bright purple leashes. The woman was actually very kind, and had dark brown curly hair. She looked rather mom-ish." Josh began. Chris hummed softly, Josh knew how much it comforted him for Josh to just tell him about his day. "We ran out of cheese samples twice during my shift." Josh continued, beginning to trail kisses up Chris's next, his lips sliding across every inch of his skin. His hot breath fanned across the blond's face, comforting him. "A little girl came in today that reminded me of you. She had bright blonde hair and was very bossy, but very, very, cute." Josh kissed Chris's nose, and looked into his eyes, searching for something, a connection. Chris leaned forward, catching his lips with his own.
"Thank you." He murmured
