Cameron x Nash Short Stories - cash -

The Funny Farm Part One

For blazencash

Did you know that the United States still has insane asylums? Not many people are aware of that, they think mentally ill people just go to the psych ward in a hospital. The words insane asylum seem outdated but they still are relevant. They still exist, they call them psychiatric hospitals but really they're the same as insane asylums.

There's one asylum that I'm interested in, it was built in the 1800s, people claim that it's haunted. All of the spirits of patients who were tortured in the name of science remain at that asylum. It's said that no one has ever been able to break out of there, once you're in,my ours in until the doctor seems fit to release you. The staff there are not sympathetic to the patients they care for and would never let anyone escape. The people that are transferred there are sent against their will because they have something severely wrong inside their heads. These are the kind of people who might turn into serial killers if they listened to the voices in their head.

I've been labeled since I was a child, I was hyperactive but the psychiatrist that my mother forced me to see diagnosed me with schizophrenia because I had imaginary friends. He thought maybe those were voices inside my head, he called them auditory hallucinations.

I think he was full of shit, he just wanted to keep me as a patient so he could charge my mother's insurance an exorbitant amount of money to treat me.

So with that diagnosis in hand, I have decided to get myself committed to Friends Hospital.

I'm currently in the ER being seen by a doctor, I stare blankly at the wall as he talks to me. I researched everything before I came in, I know exactly what to say to get myself committed.

"The voices in my head are telling me to hurt you," I say flatly and with a hint of nonchalance as if what I'm telling him is completely normal. "They're telling me to shank you, to rip out your guts and hang them up like curtains. I sure you know that the intestines are fairly long. Maybe I can hang them up like a banner, people coming in would see your guts in all their glory."

I finally make eye contact with the doctor and give him a happy smile. He stares at me with wide eyes and I know my plan is working. There's no way he's going to let me walk out of here.

"If I had a knife I'd listen to the voices. Do you know where I can find one?" I ask sweetly and he scribbled something on the chart. "Maybe I'll go home and find one, I can meet you here in say... 30 minutes?

I stand and he stands as well, blocking the exit.

"I'm sorry Mr..." He glances down at my chart. "Dallas. I can't allow you to leave."

"Why not? I'm feeling much better, the dizziness is completely gone. I was worried that maybe the government had implanted with a tracking device in my head. Maybe they did but the side effects are gone already so it's not too bad."

"You need mental help, you've made clear that you are a danger to others and so I can't let you go." The doctor explains and I bounce on the inside because my plan is working.

"I'm fine, I only here the voices sometimes and I really only listen to the 66.6%, repeating of course, of the time." I explain innocently and the doctor gulps because he surely thinks I must be psychotic.

Maybe I am? What kind of person purposefully gets themselves committed?

The kind of person I am, obviously.

It doesn't take long before I'm being lead outside and pushed into the back of a white van. There are no windows and its strangely reminiscent of something, I can't really remember what though.

My stomach goes crazy with excitement because I heard the doctor say they're taking me to Friends. I chose that ER specifically because they send all of the psych patients to that asylum.

We stop and the back doors are opened, the orderly tugs on my arm and I stumble out. I look at the foreboding building, it's clearly old. The building looks like a castle, nothing close to the modern hospitals we have today.

Looking at the building on google maps, it's shaped like a star with a central hub. It allows the employees to be able to look down each hallway. I read that each hallway contains different diagnosis, like all of the suicidal patients are in one ward, all of the personality disorders are in another ward and so forth. I imagine I'll be in the personality disorder ward. But I also wouldn't mind being in the ward for the dangerous people like those with antisocial personality disorder, they can't be among the general population with other patients who have personality disorders, they are true psychopaths with no regard for life and with no morality. I heard they're mostly kept in isolation except for meals and showers. They aren't allowed to go outside with everyone else, their room has a exit to a tiny courtyard where they can stand and breath fresh hair. Those doors are only opened 3 times a week. They would be fun to fuck with while I'm in here. I think most of them are people who were found not guilty because of insanity. They get to spend the rest of their lives here.

Must suck for them.

The building is surrounded with high stone wall that looks impossible to scale. It was built that way to keep the mentally ill in and it's worked perfectly. Until me of course. I'm going to be the only person to ever escape from this place.

I smirk as I'm lead into the building.

This is going to be fun.