Letter to my love.

Letter to Ellie

Eleanor, you must be thinking, every continuous day, Jordan talks, Skypes, and plays with you, and usually these past weeks he has asked you to come over, yes to dance, to practice, but something makes me think that you see it from a different angle, a seemingly different perspective, possibly one that sees me as a autistic little child who makes awful jokes, or one where I poetically steal your heart, unknowingly. I even consider another perspective where you see me as a 'Netflix and chill' 'fuck-boi', or one where I stay your 'brother'. Whilst I stand confused, knowing not which one is correct, it confronts me, all these perspectives were insinuated by myself in order to make you think, not that I was a ridiculous person or crazy about sex or lust, but to make you think of the joke and smile; simply put, happiness is the best medicine, and indeed it seemed. These past years, seeing you crumble, seeing you fall, the latter one more recently, especially with the 'Sam incident', makes me think now that you don't want a short or moderately long relationship, especially where the lover gives up because you're 'too much', or because your sick, but one where it lasts for the foreseeable future, without the hormonal relationship break ups or the lust of the male mind. Ellie, you and I have known each other for a long time, both side by side experiencing the same problems, especially when it was us being broken heart'd for some silly reason, over someone who chose their own path, a path where they saw us unfit for their future developments, especially when a mother or two got involved, more evidently on your side. These same problems have been tough on both of us, but have made us realize something, that we hope never to experience these faults in the future, and that we manage to make it through the tough times in our lives.

In relation to speaking about this, it has opened up my future, it has made me think about who has truly been there, side by side with me, through trouble and success. More recently it has opened up the feelings I have long kept from you. These feelings, they aren't wants, but more commonly known as needs we both share:

- The commitment of a relationship partner;

- The similarities that are needed;

- and the bonds that are created, previously from our past.

In writing this, I don't simply want to act smart to impress you, or to be a poetical brat who steals a girl's heart with words, but to express the amount I adore you, and in doing so, I have made this long. Ellie, if I ever get the chance to love you, I never want to spoil it with hormonal feelings, or to be the nightingale that 'sings' to you all night just to 'get a piece', but as a closer friend than ever before, who would spend the rest of his days watching your favourite show, or eating your favourite food, or helping you with your struggles, I know you're going through a lot, and I know that you won't want to burden me with your hardships, or douse me in your pain, but these feelings of helping you, and enjoying life with you, haven't just evolved over night, and they won't deteriorate over one either, they have been created through me by the happiness we share, especially when we spend it together.

Never think that I am too smart for you, or from your perspective I might have more success, because Ellie, your talents are limitless, your ability to create a master piece in one night, or your insane power to create a awesome story astounds me. You might possibly think that I have left my 'other' girlfriends, and have flocked to you, but no, I never want to look at it in that way, or to feel it ever. I need your heart because mine can't live without it, and I don't want to ever let go, and I definitely never want to leave you, especially after what we've been through together.

It's not just the above that obligates me to love you, the love I have for you comes from a feeling I can never describe in a sentence because of how wonderful it feels, but what could help is two words, 'true love'.

I heard once that if you look into the eyes of someone that might love you, and they stare right back, their pupils dilate; and every single time I look at those heavenly spheres that rest where your yes should be, I blush like a loser and my pupils grow to the size of golf balls. But inside myself, I fight the feeling that you might not love me back...

Ellie, in short, I want to have the chance to truly love you, I don't want any of this hormornal teenage lust shit, and I'm guessing you don't too, I just want to be there with you, laughing my face off, whilst enjoying the most amazing times, with the comfort of knowing that I'm with my greatest friend.

I'll love you to the day I die, even if that means writing your name in my mind, forever, in order to never forget about the times we have had, and the ones that we will have.

Ellie, I love you, and I hope I haven't obligated your feelings, but I want to be with you forever!

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