Well, I think I've forgotten how to write. I've lost track of time. I don't remember the last time I decided to write down my thoughts. I would usually write when I'm feeling too much. It's like, when feelings seem to pile up because of their abundance. I would not be able to bear them; they would seem to be trying to push their way out of my chest.
But it seems to me that I've been going through the complete opposite lately. I'm going through the phase of trying to understand how I really feel about things. I don't understand myself anymore. I don't know what I love or hate. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know if I want to talk to him/her or not. I don't know if I want to reply to reply to his/her text or not. I don't know if I like you. I don't know if I wanna hangout with you. I don't know the answer to your question. I don't know anything. I feel like a balloon, hollowed inside, drifting through whatever and wherever. I'm thoughtless. Or I'm full of thoughts. I can't decide. I'm indecisive. Oh never have I been indecisive! I always knew what I wanted. I always knew how I felt. I would mostly even feel way too many things. But what has made me thoughtless and feelings-less? What has made me careless and indifferent? What is it that has sucked the joy out of me? Is it the unchangeable routine? Or is there a reason behind all this?
Sometimes I ask myself, will I ever be the same person I once was? The changes I have gone through seem to have made me expect anything. I have been through things I never imagine going through. I have been through the ups and downs that are known to be 'normal'. I have seen the closest people to my heart bring me down in the worst ways possible. I've put up with losing people I expected to stick around till death splits us apart. I was taught in the hard way that nothing lasts forever. Not even that first love. Not that first ecstasy. Not that first BFF. Not any moment of your life will last forever, or will ever be repeated the same way again. Every moment had its moment, had it's feeling, had it's excitement, and it will be over sooner or later. You're happy now, the next day you feel like crap. You feel like crap, something's going to come your way and make you smile. You think that one person is going to show you the same care and interest? Boom you stop hearing from them again. Nothing, literally nothing, ever lasts forever. Not even the bond you have with your family. By time, I have realized, it dies out. It lessens. It rots. It becomes just a mere memory in your head. You cannot even call it a family anymore. You're just individuals who live together because they have nowhere else to be. They are there for you if you need money or if you're sick or if you're about to die. They fake a loving bond when you're all gathered up with friends. They hit you with words when they don't like what they see from you. They mock you. They make you hate yourself sometimes. They don't listen. They don't talk. But all in all, you know they'll always be there, cause you've got no one else.
The least things to ever be lost and changed, have been lost and changed. In the very least expected ways ever. Now I've come to a point, where that all doesn't upset me. It doesn't affect me. It doesn't make me cry myself to sleep sometimes when I feel a little nostalgic. It's like feelings have become and old thing. Feel? What do you mean feel? I stopped feeling anything. I stopped having intimate and genuine feelings for anything or anybody. When I feel happy, I don't deeply feel happy. When I feel upset, not deeply either. I don't deeply feel anything anymore. Everything is just temporary. I learned that and I have become a true believer in that. So I don't bother to put in too much. My heart is no longer fragile. My feelings are no longer movable. Everything just gets as much feelings as it deserves. Temporary feelings.
All the things I've ever lost, all the things I've ever loved, all the things I've ever wanted, and all the things I don't have anymore, have only become merely a bunch o' memories stuck at the back of my head. I remember them sometimes. I think of the people I've lost. But would I bother to bring them back? Never. Would I cry my eyes out over all the things I never knew but I now know? Would I feel upset over the first love that turned into a cruel story I will forever be forced to remember only because it was one of the 'first' things I've ever experienced? Would I feel an ache in my heart over the people I never expected to bring me down, or to let me go? Would I ever feel the same way I first felt about every thing that's ever surprised me? Never. The answer is never. Maybe 'never' is the only answer I'm sure of now..
