Torn

dear diary.

December 14, 2014

I've been stuck at Eichen for what seems like years, but if only about 4 months. Ever since the bathtub incident with Derek, my dad didn't know what to do with me anymore or how to help me. So he thought it would be a good idea to send me back to the place that started the whole nogitsune thing. Great idea dad. So I packed up and shipped off to some crazy mental-supernatural-hospital, that's sure to help me isn't it.

But I feel like I've been here, long enough that I should have gotten used to everything? I should have got used to the routines, the coldness, whiteness & loneliness of my room. But somehow I can't. I feel something, something not right. Last time it only took a few days to get settled it. It's been 4 months and I'm still not settled in.

A few days after I arrived in this room, I found a note hidden under the lamp of the desk on the opposite wall to my bed. It had directions on it, I followed as best I could. I followed the directions and locations it provided, and sure enough, I found a loose tile on the wall above the bath. So, as my curiously got the better of me, I pulled the tile off and behind the tile, in a tiny alcove, was a bottle of sleeping pills, and razor blades. As I couldn't bring my own blades here, I was delighted to see them. I used them everyday when the nurses where each on their respective shift.

I've been here long enough to figure out which nurse is at all times. I could do whatever I wanted. I was in the 6th block of the left wing, and I was the last room of the block, so my room was somewhat hidden at the back of the hallway, it would take them a long time to get here.

Anyways, I'm starting to get worried because my dad and Scott haven't been here to visit me. I've been here for about 4 months and i haven't seen them. Especially Derek. He seems the most worried. And I'm really worried about him. I think I have serious feelings for him. Not one of those petty teenage crushes, this is serious. I think I...love him? I have a feeling he feels the same way, especially in the bathroom, he seemed like he really cared. But he hasn't came to visit either. None of them have. They probably forgot about me, and abandoned me. I wouldn't even be surprised. I'm worthless, I have no purpose anymore. They wouldn't want such a burden as a crazy suicidal mental patron around them would they. I guess times like this show who your true friends are, even though that would equal none.

I've always been better on my own. I'm very independent so I don't rely on people much. I don't want to burden them so I just do it myself. Whenever someone asks how I am, I always say 'good' or 'fine' even if I'm not, I just don't want them to worry. I don't want anyone to worry for me, I'd rather just be left alone. But when I am left alone I'm left alone with my demons. They just talk and talk, and convince that you're no good and useless. I guess that's where this all started. With that nogitsune. It was telling me to do things I didn't want to do, but it controlled me. But of course it was me. It's always me. Everything bad and unlucky happens to me.
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I'm sorry I've taken 5,000 years to update, but I'm hella lazy & I haven't really been myself lately, I'm going through some stuffs, but this is just a quick filler, to get you up to date with that's going on. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, it's currently 3:31am here. But the next chapter will be a lot easier for me to write so that should be up soon.

Also I made a new cover, do you like it, hate it? I want to know your opinions!!

Also if anyone has any ideas at all of where you would like the story to go please please please tell me, because I know the storyline for he next chapter but, I'm completely stuck after that! I'm open to literally any suggestions at all, so if you want some sterek, some stydia, some sciles, please please tell me!