whoever's listening//a.i.

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␛eleven:eleven pm

dear ashton,

they say 11:11 is one those "magical" times were something good will happen if you just think about it. It sort of reminds me of on your birthday when you were little, you just blow out the candles thinking about some  stupid race car you wanted rather than things that we keep you up at night when you were 17. when i was 13, i went through this obsession of trying to find comfort in something. i had this whole crisis that i didn't want to forget everything i did and everything i wanted to remind myself. i wrote all these notes to myself with my cringe worthy love hearts on each of them. that's one thing they never taught me in therapy, that self-assurance can make everything okay. they tell you that being self assured makes you cocky or arrogant or some crap like that. i don't think it's true. tonight i wished for you to show up at my door again. i know that's selfish and i know you have a lot going on in your head, but sometimes i wish that you would try and get me out of bed in the morning again. i wish i picked up the phone and called back after i heard you rambling in your voicemails and laughing at yourself. i miss the sound of your voice, with your accent that makes it hard to understand anything you say but i listen anyway. the thing is, ever since i separated myself from everyone else, i stopped caring what everyone thought. the best of us can find happiness in misery. 

i miss you. 

hayley x