Killing Edward Cullen

Chapter Three - In Which Bella Leads Buff to the Nest

I crouch through my tee-pee's doorway Saturday morning and look up at the bruised, cloudy sky.

Thank God.

When I get to the nest I won't have to stare at a bunch of sparkling vampires lit up like traffic lights. I scan the reservation for hostiles, as I frequently do when exiting or entering a location, but only see Jacob leaning against a tree a ways off, stalking me or something. He spots me rather quickly and begins to jog over. I pretend not to notice him and instead take my black gloves out of a pocket in my trench coat. They're my vampire-killing-business gloves. I only wear them when I've got multiple vampires to kill. I look up at him just as I snap my second glove on.

"Hey," he says, waving a hand. "Off to the nest?"

I don't say anything, because I'm astute and all. I just glare at a spot in the trees above his shoulder and proceed to snap my gloves even though they're already on. Jacob glances behind himself at the trees.

After a while I finally can't stand the awkwardness and decide to be astute later.

"Yes. Yes I am," I say. Jacob looks a little relieved.

"I'd go with you, man, but we're not allowed on the blood-sucker's land," he says, shrugging. He suddenly looks worried.

"Hey, don't worry about it," I say, reaching behind my back and retrieving my cross bow. "I told you, that guy's a total douche. Anyways, bouffants are so 18th century." I shake my head and smile in wonder of my google searching skills. I know so much about bouffants now, I could write a book about them.

He nods, reassured at my knoweldge of bouffants. I don't tell him about my frequent visits with wikipedia. We walk together through the Rez to my truck that I had parked in the middle of a family's backyard.

"Be careful out there," Jacob says dramatically, as I climb into my truck and the radio turns on. His warning is sort of ruined by the sound Justin Bieber's music blasting through the speakers. I switch it off hurriedly. I nod and begin to pull out of the yard through a hole in the fence I had smashed earlier in the week. Someone comes out of the house, presumably to yell at me again, but it's too late. 

I drive through the forest, hitting several deer before I reach Bella's house-- in which I hit another deer as I park across the street. I take a newspaper from the glove compartment and hide behind it, my eyes peering out of the holes I cut in the picture of Obama's face. I scan the Swan's yard and suddenly spot something extremely disturbing. 

I stumble out of my cherry red 1953 Chevy pickup truck in horror and fall to my knees in the road. Bella's car. Is. Exactly. Like. Mine. My anguish cannot be described. My hands clutch at my hair as tears stream down my face. I cannot take the pain. My head turns to assure myself of this calamity. I flinch as I look back and forth between the two automobiles.

After a good twenty minutes of bawling on the road, I get tissues out of my glove compartment and slam my trucks door, vowing to never set foot in it again. I wipe my face and blow my nose. I waltz up to the house and throw my snotty tissues into Bella's open passenger side window.

I crawl under Edward's Volvo and wait for them to come out.

They finally come out, so I grab hold of the underside of his car. We pull out of Bella's driveway and turn onto the highway. Half an hour later we stop, with my back scraped and hands burned. I wait for them to get out and watch them walk towards the house, dropping down and rolling into the bushes when they disappear, ninja style.

Concealed in the shrubbery I reach into a pocket in my trenchcoat and pull out a tin-foil hat, sticking it on my head. I creep closer to the ironically glass house and watch them as they gather in the kitchen. I observe Edward rambling on to Bella about the oversized cross hanging by the stairwell as if to spite all of the laws of being a vampire. After taking the cross and the fact that their house was glass into account, I came to the conclusion that the Cullens must also:

1. Bathe in holy water.

2. Have pure silver dinnerware. 

3. Use garlic for potpourri.

Edward and Bella finally stop talking about the cross and go in to his bedroom. Bella walks around and they start holding hands and stumbling around the room. I think they might be trying to dance. Bella suddenly tries to tackle Edward by jumping on his back and they fly out the window, hitting a tree. I sneak over to the side of the house and hear Edward use another animal analogy involving spider monkeys before he scurries up a pine. 

I scowl up at the pair as I suddenly realize that by the end of this excursion that I'll probably end up shedding the weight I put on during my recent trip to the deep south to hunt bog lights. Mmm, soul food.

As I trudge after them I can feel the fat melting off my bones like grease off a french fry. I decide to give up on the pair for today and begin to head back to the rez. But then I change my mind when I remember that I sort of need my car to get there. I start to wish I could cling to Edward's back like Bella but there was quite a little ecosystem developing there already without me. The two love-birds start doing weird things in the meadow that remind me of these soft-core porn videos I watch. I am a sensitive person. 

I take my leave not only because I am a gentlemen, but also because it's sort of turning me on. I walk for what seems like hours attempting to pick out landmarks in the woods, but every tree fucking looks the same. I fish my cell phone out of my trench coat pocket and look through the contacts. 

Abraham Van Helsing

Adult Video

Alex Anderson

Alucard

Buffy Summers

Dad cell

Father Callahan

Jacob Black

"FOUND IT," I scream to no one as I stand in the middle of the woods. The phone rings four times before I hear Jacob's voice answer.

"You've reached Jacob Black, how may I help you?" 

I'm silent for a few short seconds. 

"Seriously?" 

"Oh, Buff. What's up?"

"Uuuh, you should come get me." 

I hear Jacob shove something in his mouth and begin crunching. 

"Alright," he says between bits of whatever he's eating. "where are you?"

Sounds like chips. "I actually don't really know. The last thing besides trees I've seen was this weird sign in the middle of this like, trail of black rock. It said something like... Ooor-aaanje St. I dunno."

I heard Jacob wad the (hopefully empty) bag of chips up. "Okay, luckily I put a tracking device in your phone. I'll be there in a while." 

"You what?" The dial tone answered me from the opposite line. 

Thankfully I had watched Alice In Wonderland enough to know that "when one is lost, it's always best to stay where you are." I've always thought Alice's judgment was top-notch. I fondly remember when she jumped down that hole following a rabbit with a pocket watch and also when she ate the random food laying around in said hole.

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