Heartless.

Dear Xander,

Dunkin' Donuts. Right now I want a donut so badly that people would think I've gone insane. But hey, that's not my fault! I can't do anything against my obsession with donuts. You remember when we were 10 and you bought me my first donut? You were so proud of it because you bought it with your own money. Um yeah, guess now I can spill my biggest secret. Sorry Xander but it wasn't my first donut. I had an obsession with those things for ages and that one you bought me was probably my thousandth or something. And the-

Oh god, I can't do this. I- I really thought I could sit here an- and write to you like you were right in front of me and we would just talk normally for hours about the dumbest things. But I never imagined it to be this hard. Because everything about you is always so easy, so uncomplicated. Because normally everything about you is so familiar. But right now- right now I feel like a stranger is writing this letter. Like someone else is moving this hand. Like someone else is thinking these words. Like someone else’s tears are ruining this paper. Like- like someone else has taken control of my body and is forcing me to do things I thought I'd never be capable of doing. I just can't stop this voice inside of my head that's whispering so many things at once that I can't breathe normally anymore. Xander, I swear I am trying here. I swear I’m trying to make it as painless as possible. But it doesn't work. Dammit, dammit, dammit it doesn't work. I am suffocating. I am suffocating in these emotions that are building in my chest. I just want to shut it all out Xander. But I know it's impossible. So if I want this pain to go away I have to stop existing. Because if I stay I am going to die every following second again and again and again due to this suffocation.

 

You know, the only time when my lungs get to feel oxygen is when I am with you Xander. Every single second I spend with you is a relief. Just when I'm around you I can feel a smile forming on my face. Just when I look at you I can feel myself returning to myself. Just when I touch you I feel my breath catch and weird things going on in my stomach. I feel my heart skipping so many beats just with hearing your angelic voice and I never want it to stop. I want to listen to you forever. All the nights when you thought I was deep in sleep I would wait for you to start singing. I would fight with myself to keep my eyes open to listen to every sound that's coming out of your mouth. I'm not sure whether you ever noticed but some nights I just never slept at all. I stared at you the entire night and surprisingly I never got tired. It was such a disappointment when the sun started shining in the room. But I still never get over the fact how breathtaking you are when it shins exactly on your face. Even with your eyes closed I can feel your beautiful eyes shining. It's like the sun's dancing on your features. I just see pure perfection when I look at you. It shines in every inch of your face, in your eyes and nose and lips, in every move you make, in every word you speak, in every smile you smile, in every breath you take.

 

Xander. Xander, you are the only and only and only one I am afraid of giving up. Because you- you alone are the only one that makes a sense in my life. You are the only one who kept me going for all those years. The only one who kept me going through all the desperation and doubts and pain and suffering. And Xander you did not even know. You did not even know that you are everything, that you are everything and everything and everything that is worth it. That you deserve so much more than me. And right know you probably- okay no, definitely think "What the hell is she talking about?". Because I know that I meant everything for you and such a thought never and never ever will cross your mind. I know that I however do exactly the same thing to you you do to me. And I love it. To know that at least one person is not complaining about my presence. That at least one person is enjoying it. I love it how your heart starts beating so incredibly fast when I just get close enough. I love it how your breath comes out so fast and loud like you just ran a marathon. I love everything about you Xander. I love everything you do and say and make me feel. I love every inch of you. And I am already missing it. I am already missing you without actually losing you. Because right now I feel so completely and utterly alone. Right now this voice inside of me keeps whispering. And I hate what it's doing to me. I hate how my hands are shaking so badly right now. I hate how my tears keep falling although you showed me how to be strong. And that's the point Xander. You are not here and everything's falling apart, crashing everything good inside of me.