Do you know what it's like to look in the mirror and cry because you think you're a monster? To have to wake up in the morning and have to act like you weren't crying yourself to sleep every night? Do you know what it's like to try and hide it from everyone even though your face gives it all away. Is it the swollen eyes or the runny nose? Is it the fact that you don't have friends or that you're too quiet?
I wake up every morning and stare at my reflection. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't hide it any more because its slowly eating me alive and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I look and all I see is a monster. A monster hidden behind the face of a 14 year old who's just scared if facing the world. She builds up these tough walls and when she lets someone in, they manage to tear it down all over again. She tries to build it again, faster this time but things are in the wrong spot. People can still get in, they will unleash her inner monster and she can't help but let it be free, let it take over her body and mind. She's dreamt of it so many times. She's in school and someone says one little thing and everything unleashes! She screams, scratches, kicks, she does everything in her will to be heard but nobody sees anything. Nobody hears anything. She is absent from the world. To them she doesn't exist. She only exists when they want to call her a bitch, or say she's a whore. Taunting the monster inside of her to come out. And that monster was gradually coming out of hiding. She was like a ticking bomb ready to explode. She herself didn't know when she would explode or what would happen is she did. All she could do was pray to God that she didn't explode. Pray and ask him to take all the pain away. She prayed and prayed and nothing ever went away. She still cried herself to sleep every night and couldn't stand looking at her own face. She would still have to walk around fake smile on her face telling her family that she had a great day when in reality she preferred to be dead. She walked around as if nothing had happened. As if she didn't hear the whispers as she walked down the hallway. As if she didn't hear her name being brought up when she sat by herself at lunch. But all she wanted was to isolate herself from them. She wanted them to leave her alone! She wanted them to stop so that the monster would stop demanding to be let out. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Not the people who had once been close to her because they all let her down. They always did. You can't trust them. You can't trust anyone. She'd get the messages in the middle of the night telling her to die and that nobody wants her. When she tried sticking up for herself it would only make things worse. It was as if everything she touched, everything she saw, everything she wanted to be a part of collapsed at the mere thought of it.
Why was it that everything was her fault? When someone got hurt, she was always to blame. Why did people take things too far when she told them what happened? And most important why was she to blame for this mess?
