Doorways to Everywhere (Tourist Trap Book 2)

Chapter 6

Zeke arrived in the bridge several minutes later after traversing through numerous corridors filled with hundreds, if not thousands, of doorways. He would have gotten himself hopelessly lost if Nulfar hadn't been there to guide him on the way.

The bridge itself was filled with a wide variety of gadgets that Zeke couldn't even begin to fathom the purpose of. There was a wall covered with translucent sheets that vaguely resembled computer screens, although the images on them projected outwards in three dimensions. There were also more blinking lights in the room than the downtown areas of many cities Zeke had been to.

Many little green men whisked about the room manning various consoles, but one particular man seated in the middle of the room in a large chair attracted Zeke's attention. This was largely because he wore a flamboyant fur coat studded with rhinestones and glitter. He looked up as Nulfar and Zeke entered the room and scurried over to greet them. Nulfar gave him a salute and then turned around and left.

"Earthman!" the man shouted excitedly. He seemed to be a bit taller than most of the green men, but still only came to about Zeke's waist. "So Wigglethorp spoke the truth! You are finally aroused from your slumber. How marvelous! Allow me to introduce myself. I am Moogreet, captain of this vessel and chief advisor to King Weeblis himself. We've been studying Earth for a long time and I have taken quite the interest in your quaint little planet. You are a typical Earth specimen, are you not?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so," Zeke scratched his head. "I'm not sure what you mean by 'typical.' Earth is known for the diversity of its life."

This caused uproarious laughter among all the little green men that were in the vicinity.

"What?" Zeke asked somewhat defensively. "What's so funny?"

"Sorry, Earthman. We shouldn't laugh at the ignorance of inferior beings."

"Hey, just because you've got a fancy spaceship that flies fast doesn't make you better than me!" Zeke grumbled.

"Actually it does," Moogreet replied. "As does the fact that I could destroy you now with my mind if I so desired. But anyway, our analysis has shown that Earth contains only carbon based life-forms. That's as far from diverse as you can possibly get."

"Well I'm sorry we don't have little titanium creatures running around but we do quite nicely with carbon, thank you very much." Zeke was beginning to get irritated at the condescending attitude these aliens all seemed to possess.

"Yes, yes, of course. Your planet gets along very well. You are free from war and crime and poverty and the like, yes?"

"Well, um, no," Zeke said sheepishly. "All right already! So maybe Earth does kind of suck. Can we change the subject please?"

"Most certainly," Moogreet smiled. "What would you like to discuss?"

"I don't know. How is it that we can understand each other anyway? Did you study Earth languages?"

"Not precisely," Moogreet said. "You see, extremely primitive societies such as yours have simplistic language structures characterized by a limited number of sound combinations. All languages in their infancy tend to stumble upon many of the obvious sounds. You know, vowels and consonants and the like. Because primitive languages usually go hand in hand with primitive cultures these sounds inevitably get assigned to very basic concepts. You know, like brain surgery or rocket science. Simplistic stuff. Advanced cultures, such as ourselves, have long since used up all the Earth sound combinations and had to move onto new ones like 'xqrjwk' and 'gjtpla.' So you see we can communicate with you but only on an infantile level, much as your people can communicate with very small children."

"But that still doesn't make any sense," Zeke protested. "Even if you came up with all the same sound combinations as us, how could you possibly ascribe the exact same meanings to those sounds as we did? Hell, even on Earth we didn't do that. There are tons of different languages down there."

"Yes, well, it also involves the principal of Moof," Moogreet said dismissively. "And we all know that's above your head."

"This Moof thing seems like a convenient way to just explain everything off," Zeke muttered.

"It does explain much," Moogreet said. "But don't worry, if you Earthlings keep at it, I'm sure you'll figure it out in a few billion years."

"That sounds promising," Zeke grumbled.

"Well, you'd better hope you figure it out at some point or you'll never survive through the implosion of the universe."

"Okay! I think we've already established that your civilization is better than mine. What the hell did you kidnap me for anyway?"

"Why, for study purposes, of course," Moogreet said. "Although we know infinitely more than you, there is still much to be learned."

"Even about my primitive little society?" Zeke asked.

"Yes, yes. We are confused by much of what you do and desire clarification. For instance, what is the purpose of the ritual you perform known as line dancing?"

"I'm not sure I've ever been line dancing honestly," Zeke shrugged. "I suppose some people find it fun. It's probably a good way to socialize and meet people. Maybe it relieves stress or something."

"Are you sure it's not some sort of religious incantation to your Earth god?" Moogreet asked.

"I'm pretty sure it's not. There are other activities for that sort of thing. But what do you mean by Earth god? I thought there was supposed to be one god for the whole universe or something like that."

"Oh, well there is for this universe. I've met him a couple times. Nice chap. Seems rather ambitious, like he's going places. But I'm afraid he's rather low-ranking in the grander scheme of things."

"I'm not even going to try to decipher that one," Zeke held his head. This was beginning to give him a headache.

"You appear woozy," Moogreet frowned. "Perhaps you'd like to begin your task."

"Task? What task?"

"Wigglethorp informs us you enjoy scrubbing toilets. We have many toilets so this is fortunate. Here's a brush. You can begin with my personal lavatory. And I expect it to be spotless."

Moogreet's voice had taken on a vaguely threatening tone so Zeke took the brush reluctantly and headed off in the direction indicated.