Jealous. (Tronnor)

Jealous

I remember you, Troye.

I remember that one day. Both of us were standing in the rain, grey clouds surrounding us. But the weather wasn't deteriorating our calm and happy moods. You handed me your umbrella so I could stay dry and safe from the dreary Italian weather. Our friends surrounded us, but all I saw was you. Your blue eyes, your beautiful smile. Our hands brushed and I knew I had a crush.

I remember that one morning, many months after, where you kissed me. You smiled a wide open mouthed smile, like you had just won first place. I smiled a shyer smile, but I was probably grinning like I had won a million bucks too. We were ecstatic and giggly. I had never imagined falling for my best friend, but right then, in that moment, I had never wanted anything else.

I remember that one afternoon, eating sushi and loving life, you asked me a question. A few moments later we were boyfriends. I smiled at you, and we both turned back to our sushi like nothing had happened. You didn't really need to ask, but you did. I knew you had asked to make sure I was okay with labeling us. I was.

I remember that one night. We were both crying over Skype, of all places. You said that long distance was too hard. I reached out with my words, saying that we could get through this. We could be together. You began to rant about our unconventional relationship. I wasn't even out to the public. You were all the way across the world. 9,330 miles, 15,015 kilometers away. You said it wouldn't work. How right you were.

I remember, after that Skype call, I came out. I was ready for the world to think of me as gay. No more acting. No more fighting with myself. You were there, holding my hand when I posted the video. That night, as we scrolled through the comments, we got drunk off of beer and love. High off of pizza and happiness.

I remember us lying on my bed. You were playing with the knuckles on my hand. I had asked you if we ever broke up what would happen. You replied by saying that we would continue being best friends. No one could ever replace me anyway in your life. Boyfriend or best friend wise.

I remember you skyping me, telling me you wanted to spend time together. Soon after, we met in Perth and traveled to New Zealand. That January week, was when you said "I love you." I replied with the same. We were smiling boys in love.

I remember the years after. We had traveled all over the world, in love. You came out with Blue Neighbourhood. We were hopelessly together. We celebrated our first year anniversary, quietly, but lovingly. The year after that, we were getting known by traditional media, me with Common Culture, you with your music. Yet, we never spoke about our relationship. We dropped hints, but we liked the quiet atmosphere of the fans not knowing.

I remember when you walked away, leaving me crying, my heart in pain. I remember when you said that we weren't meant to be. We had both fallen into fame, and we weren't working out, you said. You were my best friend, but after you flew back to Australia, we never spoke again.

I remember turning to Tyler. Tyler, who I hadn't really talked to in forever. I mended his and I's unsteady friendship. He was the only one who was there for me after you left me that day. He was the one who became my best friend after that. Remember how you had said that we would always be friends? Well, you lied.

I remember it was also through Tyler that I learned that you had moved on. Another guy; not me, never had been me.

I remember that first Vidcon after. You couldn't even look at me. I couldn't even look happy for you. The word spread through the Youtube community. All our friends knew the sad truth of our sad love. It was also there where I saw your boyfriend. He was handsome all right. He treated you with so much love. I was jealous that you were happy without me.

I remember when I fell back into depression.

I remember thinking, that you would come back, telling me that all you found was heartbreak and misery. Instead you found love and I found hate. I remember thinking that I still loved you.

I remember one day reading an article. I was in Whole Foods and you were on the cover of a magazine. An exclusive interview. Not thinking, I picked it up and bought it.

I remember sitting on my couch, flipping through the interview. One of the questions asked if there was anyone special. You said yes. You said you were engaged to that handsome boy. It was fast paced relationship, you said, You had fallen in love quickly, clicked immediately. I remember when we 'clicked immediately', Troye.

I remember it was then that I cried. I cried for broken love. I cried for broken friendships. I cried for my broken mind. I cried that I could never get over you, with your beautiful personality. Your beautiful face. Your beautiful everything. Tear drops hit the waxy page of the magazine, sinking in, running down the picture of your face.

I remember, in that low moment, I turned to twitter. I wished you happiness, the best of all the world could give. Our first interaction since the breakup. We had gone two years without speaking, even after dating for 3 years and were friends for almost 5. It may not be that long of a time, but I had fallen head over heals for you, and all I got was your back.

I remember you didn't respond to my tweet. But I knew you saw it. Dani told me she showed it to you. You shrugged and went back to texting your boyfriend. Not boyfriend, fiancé.

I remember that one Q + A. Even my viewers could see that something had happened. One asked me what was wrong. I told them. I told them that I had fallen in love and that my love had left me. I told them that I was still heartbroken, even though it was years later. I never mentioned your name. I was smart enough not cause that drama. But I knew that if you still watched my videos, you would see it. 

I remember I secretly hoped that you would feel bad. I quietly wished that you would at least try to reach out to me and become friends again. I would take anything. One word. Even just a half smile, a smirk, the next time you saw me.  You could just look me in the eyes one more time, glance at me. Some sort of recognition, saying "Yes, I broke your heart, but maybe I can mend it again." But nothing. I got nothing.

I remember when I gave up. I was still broken, but I had given up on you. Your wedding was in a month and I wasn't invited. I was hurting, for the loss of everything we had.

I just wish I had known you were hurting too.