Today will be the best day, I will see my friends today, I will help them in any way i can, I am someone to tell your problems to, But never tell a soul, they love talking to me, they love laughing with me, they laugh at my Blond moments, they wave goodbye for the holidays, i give them the hug they need, they chit chat on facey with me until bed, i sleep peacefully happily.
Today will be the day i go see my friends for the first time in 2 weeks, i am so excited, i missed them, the way they laugh and smile, walking down the hall stopping at my locker, a note falls out, it reads "you slag go back to the kennel where you belong, i hate you, you always told my secrets, you are a b!tch, you need to stop eating you cant see your feet, stupid blond you always do something wrong, your a c@nt and need to go back to where you came from, your so ugly you make kids run away crying, you need to stop slagging around you f^cking sl@t, love from friends" i looked for a moment the rumours were true, they said that whoever said that were stupid, i didn't need to worry, tears fighting to make their way to the surface, i hold them back with all i had left.
Days went by in a blur and everyday more and more people talked about me, they would whisper loud enough for me to hear, i held myself together to ignore them, it only resulted in more pain, dad said i had ADHD so i take a pill every morning, this makes me hear more, listen to my name, see people pointing at me, feel myself weaken, my mind out of control, a razor in hand is the easiest way to release the pain, a hot shower, clear water rushing down my body, a shining blade pierces my legs, the clear water now a stream of red blood, feeling a little better now.
Today will be better i am sure, the names got worse, "fatty, cow, sl@t, c@nt", i don't want this, sitting alone eating nothing, words flashing in my face, getting to the bathroom i felt the need to relax, a pool of warm water and pure white bubbles awaited me, my razor rusted and blunt, relaxing my mind flushing them away, they broke the wall and screams escaped my mouth, no one hears me over the loud music, the need to release pushed my fingertips to the razor to release the pain, one deep cut was all it took to change the water to red, the pearly white bubbles to a beautiful red that stained the floor, i had released it for now.
Months past my body feeling week and hungry, people still calling me names, dad, alcohol helps his mind he says when he leaves at 7, coming home to a beating at 11, he hates me, he wishes i was never born, he has a favourite, Kelsi the youngest is the gem in his eyes, i go to school my clothes dangling off my tiny body, my fingers waiting for that razor, i am preparing for them, what i used to call friends, another failed maths test, another lecture from drunk dad, another pill again.
Today i woke screaming, my body sore and weak, my eyes dark and lifeless, the person in the mirror looks at me , she hates me, i want to die, my brain said to me , a hang sounded promising, dieing in my sleep sounded good, gun sounded better, but no gun, a large bottle of pills sat on my table next to my computer, facebook messages telling me how much of a waist i was, i want to die my body screamed, my throat dry wanting the pills, i am going to sleep now goodbye, i updated everyone commented don't wake up please, a tear slipped down my cheek as i finished the bottle, goodbye Ellie i said to myself getting cosy and falling into a sleep awaiting death, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die..............
