Thoughts on Paper

The start

How do I start? Where do I go from here? If I do find a way to begin, how do I get to the end? Which path do I take? Is it really that hard to get there? All these questions floating around in my head as I try to find myself. I need to know who I really am. What I can really do. I'm sure I'm not that useless , there must be something for me out there. How do I find it though? Where am I supposed to look? I am determined to figure out my passion, my calling in life. I know I have no foundation to base on , yet I will try to build up what ever comes my way into something extraordinary. I will leave my mark, one way or another. Be it a year or a century , I will eventually get there. When I do get there , I need the motivation to go further and rise higher.
Every sentence written so far describes the struggle we need to go through to find ourselves. Yes it's obvious and subtle I know. I am still working on it. Working on developing an idea, a thought, that would become (as I mentioned before) something extraordinary. However I'm stuck, so many ideas to use yet so little creativity and knowledge on the subject. It's pretty difficult to balance home and baby and my passion to write. It's hard to find the time to clear my head and focus on me.
I know I haven't been making a clear point but that is what I am stuck on right now. The fact that I am not able to get my point through clearly, the fact that everything I am trying ( and failing) to write is vague and unclear. Yes you might say that I am just a bad writer and need to stop at this now, but I disagree because I believe there is no good or bad writer. Just a person who expresses words in different ways with different meanings to give the reader different feelings. Still vague? Good. That's the point.
As you may have realized by now , I am writing to describe why I am not writing. Did it sink in?No? Well it will in the next few paragraphs.
It took me a while to think about where I continue from here, or what I should write next. 24 hours to be precise. Yet still I haven't gotten anywhere, still caught in the empty space in my head waiting for any idea to just pass by. Nothing. I might have just lost the inspiration or motivation to do this. Do you ever feel this way? Like you have so much to express and you have the means to do it yet your brain is not helping in any way. Like you really want to do something but you don't know how or your just not in the right mood. Well I have. Everyday.
I have nothing interesting going on right now with my life, neither do I have a sad or depressing childhood or history. Which is what is what usually has been the inspiration for most writers. Not for me. I haven't found my inspiration yet. I will contradict myself here and say , on the contrary my husband has somehow been my inspiration. To be honest I wouldn't be writing this right now if not for him.