Changmin likes to think that he’s proud of himself. Almost six months of silence and not one single breakdown or freak-out. No telling the fans please wait a little longer or anything. He just made the decision to throw himself into his drama and put his full focus into it, deciding to shut himself off of the world around him and create new façade for the time being.
Changmin’s quite proud of this new mask, this new facade as it seems to fool almost everyone. He loses some weight and the compliments start pouring in about how mature and handsome he looks now, despite the tired look in his eyes. He’s the perfect gentleman on set and surprises everyone by being flawless with his lines when doing a scene, and he’s quick to realize that throwing out a fake smile here and there distracts everyone from the usual blank look on his face.
His façade is perfect and working, that is, until he starts getting letters; each one in one of three different handwriting styles. The first one was simple, A fake smile isn’t a real smile, Changmin-ah, the neat print standing out and Changmin could almost see Yoochun writing it in the middle of the night while surfing the internet, frown on his face as he takes a break from composing. He feels the small crack inside, but then takes a deep breath before shredding the letter. The crack mends itself by the time the pieces hit the bottom of the trash can.
The second one comes a few weeks later, while they’re still in Japan and doing photo shoots together for their latest single. Changmin was walking back to his hotel room after working out in the hotel’s exercising room, trying to take his mind off of how they all had been together but so apart at the same time, when he saw the white envelop sticking halfway out under his door. He opens it once he’s in his room and finds it’s longer than the first one. Minnie! You’re looking a little skinner these days, what happened to our little Changmin who ate everything but his actual plate? How are your muscles going to stay strong enough to beat us up, huh?, Changmin can hear Junsu’s voice loud and clear from the scribbled print, hear the frown in his voice as he wrote while he waited for his turn at the photoshoot.
His attention then turns to the ticket taped to the letter. I know that you won’t be therethe letter continues underneath the ticket, already stating the reality of the wasted ticket, but I just wanted you to know that I’m dedicating this performance to you and Yunho. That even though neither of you will be there, I’ll still be singing my heart out to the two empty seats in the audience Changmin then laughs, short and dry, Junsu was always honest and straight to the point. The previous crack reappears and breaks into something bigger. Changmin can feel his hands begin to shake as he slowly crushes the letter and ticket between them. He takes a deep breath before reaching out to drop the letter in the trash can, but can’t seem to get his shaking hand to drop the letter. The crack grows bigger. Changmin ends up throwing the letter at his bag on the floor and leaves his room for the exercise room again, his face blanker than ever as he slowly fills in the cracks once more.
After the second letter comes, Changmin finds himself on edge as he waits for the eventual third letter. He carefully checks his mail every day, looks for that almost indecipherable handwriting, waiting and waiting and waiting for the day the letter will come. Just so he can throw it out of course. He knows that if he were to read the next letter, his façade would be done for and there would be no picking up the pieces to fix it.
So of course, even with all the extra precaution in checking his mail, the day the letter comes, Changmin isn’t expecting it at all. The letter is disguised in a plain white envelope, his name typed on the front and Avex’s office address in the upper left hand corner. Looking back, he wants to smack himself for not realizing what it was (and for Jaejoong actually outsmarting him for once.)
He opens the letter out of curiosity, wondering how a letter from Avex got through his manager and all the security he’s had to deal with in the past few months. Shim. Changmin., the letter starts, and after five seconds of reading the smushed, barely readable hangul, he realizes exactly what the letter is, but it’s already too late, the cracks have already appeared. Just because I’m not in the same country as you any more does NOT mean that you can slack off and not take care of yourself. I have my sources, you know? And I know that you haven’t been eating properly and that you’ve been working out too much and it’s no wonder you’re almost as skinny as me. Do you really want that? Huh? There’s more to the letter, but Changmin doesn’t get to it as the letter slides out of his hand and hits the floor along with the broken pieces of his former façade. He tells himself that he’s not crying, that he’s not shaking, that he’s not breaking; but the tears on his face, the weakness in his knees, the emptiness he feels tell him otherwise.
The fourth letter isn’t a letter, but a text message, and is something Changmin never receives.
Yunho sent the encouraging message in hopes of making the younger smile, knowing he needed to, but quickly deletes it and decides to surprise Changmin at his apartment instead. What he finds is his youngest member sitting on the ground, in the middle of his hallway, and shaking as he curls further into himself. Yunho drops his bag immediately before rushing over to Changmin, the letter on the ground catching his eye as he envelops the shaking man in a tight hug. He recognizes the handwriting right off the bat and hugs Changmin even tighter. He doesn’t have to even read the letter to get the general gist of it, having gotten three separate letters himself, all three folded nice and neat and hidden in his wallet. His heart breaks to see the youngest like this, past his breaking point when he’s always so strong. Well, he thinks as he runs his hand through Changmin’s hair,there’s my first mistake. Letting him bear too much on his own.
It takes a while, but Changmin finally stops shaking and calms down. He’s not quite ready to leave the comfort of Yunho’s arms, the warmth coming from them too good to get out of, and instead looks up at Yunho for the first time since he arrived. The older just quirks an eyebrow that asks him wordlessly if he’s okay. Changmin shakes his head, already feeling better to be telling the truth about his feelings and turns his attention to Jaejoong’s letter on the floor. He reaches one hand out and grabs the letter, holding it gently in his hands.
“I…,” he starts, “I…Yunho. Yunho, I miss them. I miss them so much”
Yunho says nothing, but Changmin feels him shift around until Yunho’s wallet enters his vision. He watches as three small, folded squares of paper are taken out and are un-folded one by one. Each paper holds a distinct hand-writing: one neat, one scribbled, and one practically unreadable. He feels his breath catch.
“I know Changmin, me too. Me too.” Yunho whispers in his ear as he reads the other letters.
Changmin tries not to cry as he starts writing letters back the next day.
