My coherence is destroyed, shattered like a delusion of Santa Clause. It's not even that late. It's really not late. 10:25 isn't late. Why are my eyes burning, why is my mind wandering? Why are images of lost nights suddenly filling the void that is my mind? I just wish these pictures in my head were pictures on paper. That way I could easily light them up. Then they'd slowly burn to ashes, and any connection I have to them would be over then. That way I wouldn't ever have to remember. I wouldn't have to remember.
I need to stop repeating myself, but my coherence is shot. He'd know what to say. That idiot always knew exactly what the hell to say. Oh, and trust me, he'd do it in such a way that he'd sound just...
AH! Forget it! Why the hell do I have to remember? It's late. Can't I just let it the hell go? At first these memories were like a baloon tied tight to my wrist. Slowly, though, they became heavy chains, dragging me down to my knees. There I will stay. I won't move. I won't struggle. I won't even breathe. These dreams will hold me down unto the eternity of my soul. That way, once this pain is over, once these chains crumble, I'll never have to feel like this ever again.
I hate this, I really do. I feel like the whole world is resting one my shoulders, but this feeling of responsibilty isn't the material that makes my chains, oh no. These chains are made of my guilt. Of my inner desire. These are the solidation of my fears and my pain. This is where the memories of him go. The memories I tried so desperately to run from. Why can't I let him go? Why can't he let me be? I just want to live. I just want to smile.
I know I won't mean it, but hey, at least I could pretend to be happy for a while. Isn't that all that I'm doing right now anyway, though? Pretending? These aren't real emotions. Hell, I haven't even told my "family" that God speaks to me. Yeah, aren't I just an Honest Betty?
Honest Betty? Who the hell put that in my head? That's the most stupid phrase I've ever encountered.
Damn, it's late. Why am I soul searching? Can't I just be content with the lights off, and my comforter on? At least it's not a million degrees here, like in Arizona. So why am I still awake? Why am I still searching for answers? Damn it! Let it go!
Just watch all those stupid little lights blink. Those stupid lights from all of Dad's stupid computers. Those stupid computers that take up more of his love than I do. Just watch them. Just let them take me away. I don't have to remember him. Or that I am me.
I can sleep.
I can dream.
Why won't I?
Why can't I close my eyes tonight? Why am I still thinking? Just look at the dark. Just watch those shadows wandering aimlessly. Just rest. Just rest.
What the hell is wrong with me? It isn't cold or hot here. It's a moderate temperature. So why can't I fall alseep?
I begin to gaze at the walls. I make friends with the shadows I pretend are there. They don't question my beliefs. They don't think I'm crazy. Maybe they're why I can't sleep. Maybe they're the reason. In a way I wouldn't doubt it. I'm so infatuated with their ways. Their maginificent ways, just pleading for a new heart to open up to. In my mind these shadows are sort of like my guardians.
Each of them has a story, you know. We may not be able to find out what kind of story it is for a long time, but they exist. Stories, like secrets, sometimes lie on the lips of the teller, just hiding until the moment is right.
Damn, I still can't sleep. These shadows can't sing me lullabyes, now can they? I pop in a Mayday Parade CD. Their songs somehow remind me of-
Stop thinking about that! Damn it! You're supposed to be sleeping. Listen to the music. I just need to let it carry me away like the waves of a gentle sea, with the sand in my feet. Sleep. It sounds so nice, but so demanding. It sounds like the end of the fun. I'd know, after all. Trust me, you should never fall asleep. Once you begin dreaming, nothing feels real anymore. You start to feel paranoid and insane. All of a sudden everything is a conspiracy. That's how to lose friends, of course. Start going a little crazy and all of a sudden there's nothing good about you.
