My testimony
Alright, a testimony I would describe it as, your story. The best part is its yours no one else has it no one else can tell it with the emotion truth and faults in it; it belongs to you. My testimony starts off very simple My mother was Presbyterian my father a southern Baptist. I was raised in the Methodist church until i was 4 then we moved over to first Baptist but im gonna come back to that.
When i was younger I was bullied a lot because i was different it continued all the way to 8th grade. But i loved school so much so that i would go everyday unless i was sick. However when the bullying would happen i would pretend to be sick or not want to go. Let me tell you it was at its peak in Middle School. Elementary i hated because I went to a school with kids like me and i fit in until 4th grade my mom got a job transfer to Sage Point. A school that was full of mostly rich snobby children who cared about nothing but themselves and didn't like anyone who was different, even the teachers would pick favorites and a lot of times i was not a favorite. I was finally starting to get picked on less and started finding kinda where i fit in, it seemed that where i fit in was in the classroom with my nose in a book during recess and eating on the corner of a table by myself eating. Sad right? I remember my 4th grade year, I and just moved to this new school with no one besides my mom but i normally never went to her for help, Edwards Pride i swear. The spring of that year i found a thing i finally fit in at, Softball. I was and never have been the best. But i do still love the feeling of fitting in. Summer after 4th grade I began 4-H. No offense to anyone who reads this 4-h is fun and all but after 2 years i realized how much bullshit and politics go into it when the kids backs are turned from there parents.
5th grade oddly enough is where religion really came into my life. August of that year i believe it was 2012 I found out my dad had had Prostate Cancer. The problem i had with it was everyone in my family had lied to me whenever he went in for Chemo or surgery or had to be rushed to the hospital. I was told Kidney stones, accident at work, flu simple stuff like that to cover up the Cancer from my 12 year old brain. The day i found out i remember it crystal clear, My mom was on the phone talking to someone about a 1 year clean. Being the curious child i was I asked my mom whats clean my mom said Cancer then went back on the phone i believe with my grandma, I prodded some more and asked Who has cancer... not paying attention my mom said bluntly Your father. I remember feeling my face go pale my heart stop and i remember her realizing what she said about the cancer. But it was to late, I had already run out my back door into the back yard. I got to the end of my patio before i broke down crying. That's when i got a taste of god. However I doubted him I cursed god for giving my dad Cancer and tearing apart my family. Trust me it did. I stopped talking to my mom and dad; The only person i would talk to was my Grandma Carolyn or some teachers and kids from school. My mom tried so hard to keep my family's perfect image plastered on but I wasn't having it I was burst out in anger constantly. I know realize now that im older that they where trying to protect me from the harsh reality of the world. but sadly they only set a fire in me that has grown. Also after this My dads drinking got worst sure he would drink a lot before the cancer but now it was bad a lot of verbal things that can injure ones self esteem where affected He said a lot of harsh things and had a habit of calling me Son and Daniel reflecting back on 2 baby boys my mom had mis-carried before she had me.
March 28 2012, at 2;43 AM, Why is that so important you may ask? My grandma Carolyn passed away due to COPD with complications w/ Pneumonia. It was also that day even with the strong faith in my family and especially with my grandmother that I denied that there was a God because if there is a god why is he doing this to my family she was only 74. The pain i felt that day... My mom came in my room very early that morning. My grandma had been sick for a long time so i knew. She came in and sat on my bed and i woke up to her brushing my hair with her hand saying im sorry baby im sorry. My heart sank because the first word that came out of my mouth was Grandma and she shook her head hugged me and cried. I knew she was gone i wasn't going to hear her singing hymns in the kitchen or hugging me telling me how I've grown. telling me story's of how she grew up playing connect 4 or just watching her garden and quilt and sew. I have those memories forever though. Sometimes i still think shes around in angel form. Someday ill catch a whiff of perfume she used to wear or find a penny on the ground and remind of the poem she used to have about angels dropping penny's because they miss you or some days i feel myself touching my left shoulder because i thought i felt a hand there.
Middle school ill tell you what. I was depressed i cried myself to sleep almost every night. I felt lonely and used, My parents marriage was beginning to fail because my dad was choosing whiskey over my mom and I. 6th grade i learned that no one really cares unless your dead. I was bullies a lot by these girls who's hair was perfectly curled everyday while mine was in a sloppy ponytail and i was in a book. 7th grade February 19 2014 I was informed by a youth pastor named Sean Sallis at the FBC that I needed to come to youth group i would really enjoy it. My mo drug me to youth that night and pretty much kicked me out on the curb because i Didn't want to go that bad because of Social Anxiety and I was afraid it was going to be like at school. But it wasn't, My Church family as Ive come to call them have made me feel like i fit in. I suddenly realized that I don't need to be perfect and not everyone is. It wasn't until that summer though that I realized that God is with us where every we go. He will protect us. (Joshua 1:9 NIV) July 27 of 2014 I accepted God into my life. And he's made a huge difference. Soon I made a few life long friends and im pretty sure that im there's. I started bringing along a few friends to youth group and soon I had something going. However I was still depressed, I still fight with that everyday. But summer of 2015 after nearly 2 years of youth, I did something i should have never done. Oddly enough at a church camp I felt alone and sad and vulnerable and a lot of guilt and pain built up. One day i tool it out on a very close friend of mine and i got pissed and just disappeared for 4 hours i was gone I had an anxiety attack and threw that through the tears i saw a few pieces of broken glass... i was so overwhelmed.. I cut my left wrist 2 cuts remained until i got home, then it was almost addicting I cut some more with a pocket knife when ever i was upset or angry. Then august of 2015 I lost a friend she decided she didn't want me in her life. Thats when a few more came along. But that was also the last time I did so because I had to stop and i had to learn to be stronger because i had a friend who was suicidal and needed help. I could help her but keep going myself. But she stopped and my life has gotten better of course life always does i mean we cant be happy all the time. But you know what. I'm getting stronger. im strong in my faith and in my life and no matter what.... yes we have days where my wrist still itches and I want more than anything to cut. Yes my dad drinks from occasion to occasion but, This is my story my past and it defines who i am today... There are pieces i didn't right down because i don't find them to relevant or I couldnt find a place to where they fit but always feel free to come talk to me if you want to know more
~Madelin Edwards~
