Pull Me Up (a destiel au fanfic)

chapter 5

When I woke up the next morning, I hear people talking at a distance and I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go meet up with them or not, but finally ended up walking out to the living room to see what they were conversing about. 

Jo, Gunther, Judy and Castiel were all seated on the couches in the main room of the bunker, and stopped talking when I entered the room. I met each of their stares individually, except for Cas's because he refused to look at me at all. Jo looked guilty, and Judy and Gunther looked a mix between sympathetic and amused by their previous conversation. 

"Good morning, sunshine," Judy finally said, smiling ear to ear. It was obvious that she was being cheery for my benefit, seeing as the funeral was today. 

I didn't exactly know how to feel about the fact that it was today. That this day should give me "closure" as so many people called it. I don't see how saying a few words about how great of a guy Sammy was will give me closure when I basically lost half of myself. How was I supposed to just "accept" the fact that I would never see or hear from him again and it was my fault? The sad truth was just that it wouldn't happen, and no matter how much supposed closure I got.

"Morning," I answered quietly, distracted by the holes in my thoughts. It felt like whenever I tried to process what was going on in my head that the thoughts were molasses. It was incredibly frustrating but I didn't have the energy to try and thin it so I could think smoothly, so I stood there irritated with no completed thoughts in my mind. 

"How are you?" Jo's voice tapered off at the end, as though she realized that we were still not at a good spot in our relationship. Castiel continued looking down at his hands clasped in his lap. 

"I'm fine," I shrugged. "What time is it?"

Judy answered quickly, "It's 12:45."

Only an hour and fifteen minutes until I actually had to confront my feelings at a service. I didn't know if they would expect me to speak on Sam's behalf or  not, but if they did I doubted I would be able to keep it together during the service. I looked up back to everyone and felt Gunther looking at me. 

"Do you wanna ride with someone or drive yourself?" he asked. I'd never heard him so serious before and it was unnerving. Gunther was always the one to lighten the mood with his goofy personality or joke about bad situations to make them seem less bad. I didn't like seeing him down, but I couldn't pinpoint how I'd feel if he was being funny on a day like this. 

"I guess I can drive myself," I shrugged. After what happened I didn't ever want to be dependent on anyone else. I wouldn't. Getting through the deaths of so many of the people I loved has been insanely hard on me and I wouldn't have the ability to go through it even one more time. I wasn't even beginning to get through Sammy's, and it'd been over a week now. But that didn't mean I would be a dick. "But if someone needs a ride, I guess I can drive them," I offered, figuring everyone brought a car or at least rented one and would be able to drive themselves. 

Suddenly, interrupting our conversations, the doorbell rang and I turned, eyebrows furrowed wondering who the hell it could be. I looked back to everyone and they all wore matching expressions, except for Judy who had a small smirk on her face, and nodded for me to answer the door. I walked warily over, worried about approaching whoever was at the door, but also calmed because of Judy's reassurance. 

I opened the door slowly to reveal a small redhead with a smirk on her face. I felt my face light up seeing the girl who was like my sister. 

"Whaddup, bitches?" she tilted her head to the side and practically jumped on me. I lifted her off her feet in a bear hug and she laughed into my shoulder.