Online Journal.

Oct 18th, 2015.

I've been thinking really existentially lately. My head's been very occupied with thoughts of life, mine in particular. I think it just happens when I'm bored, which I am constantly. I've been busying myself with the play, with set builds and rehearsals and finding props, as well as with the Halloween Dance, tossing around ideas in my head and planning my costume and stuff, but once I'm alone, it's like I enter this really strange state of mind where I think about my decisions. I miss my friends. Recently my mom asked me about how a person could be your best friend if you've only talked online. Darian would have been my best friend if Myah hadn't occupied that space at the time, but I didn't tell her that, she would have gone on a rampage at me, and I'm trying my best to avoid those.  I thought of it like this: if you fight with someone you know in real life on the internet, like on Facebook or whatever, when you meet the next time in person, you wouldn't forget the fight entirely. Both of you would have known it happened, and chances are you wouldn't be too happy with each other. It's like that, in the sense that you got to know each other really well, and when you met in person, that bond you had over the internet wouldn't just disappear. Things might be a little odd, since it's a shift from looking at a screen to looking at a face, but that person would still get you on the level they did before, and your friendship wouldn't be any different.

I regret not being myself with Darian. Lying was easy at first, but over time it got harder to keep up, and it hurt lying to her, since she gave me so much of her, and I gave her so much of this fake person. I'd do things differently if I could go back. I wouldn't curse. I know I shouldn't have. I wouldn't have lied. I would have been totally honest, like she was with me... Other than the fact that I caught her in a few lies. I'm sure she caught me in some of mine, too. Call us even.

I want to start writing again, but I don't know how I want to. Do I want to write my own book? Write drabbles? Fanfiction? I'd like to participate in NaNoWriMo, but I don't really understand it, and I'm too lazy to do any research. I just really need something to occupy my time, since I've never had so much time where I'm bored like I am now. I occupied a lot of time with watching shows for a while, but now I'm either finished or have had my fill, and I don't want to start any new ones, because it takes a long time to get invested, for me, at least. I tried to make edits on vine, but that flopped. Too complicated for me, thanks. I think writing this will occupy some time until I can come up with a hobby or something. Roleplaying was my hobby for four years, it's hard to fill that void when that's all I've done for so long. Momma doesn't understand that, and I don't really expect her to. I've tried getting back into reading, but that's hard, too. Books are incredible, but I always forget to read them, and suddenly the book's due back at the library and I'm too shy to ask for it to be renewed. I've had The Great Gatsby for nearing on two months, and I've hardly passed the halfway mark. It's good, and I love it, but I can just never seem to want to read it.

I like myself a lot more than I used to. I was very insecure in middle school, which is ridiculous, because I was in middle school. Now, I think I'm really cool. That sounds conceited, I know, but I think it's true. I like my tastes, and I like how I look most of the time. I'm glad I'm this way, it beats hating myself.

I constantly find myself trying to find an outlet for my thoughts. When I was still on tumblr and twitter, I'd post anything that came to mind, and now I can't find a single thing like that. I feel dumb posting things on vine, and I know snapchat doesn't care. Not to say that people cared on tumblr and twitter, but it made me feel better. Now I'll think of something, and want to express it to someone, anyone, and have no one. Sometimes I'll tell stuff like that to Zach, but I feel weird doing it. Like, why would he care about me being nit-picky about continuity on TV shows? That's why I talk out loud when I watch shows and movies. Because when I was on the internet, I used to liveblog everything. My dad makes fun of me for it, but it doesn't bother me.

I want to go to college already. I love high school now that I've surrounded myself with a nice friend group, but I want to be more independent than I am. I hope I'll be accepted to the college I want to go to. I want to move after college, I don't feel like I really belong in the state I'm in currently. Everything's nice here and all, but I want something different.

As much as I consider myself a happier person all around compared to how I used to be, I find myself saddened more easily. Things hurt my feelings much easier, mostly it's thoughts of Darian and my other internet friend group and things I wish I'd done differently. Words hurt me much easier now, especially coming from people I care about. Maybe I need to change something. If you have any ideas on what that could be, let me know, I've hit a dead end on that one.

The secret I told Vev is still in play. For some reason, I can't get it out of my head. Is it a greener grass on the other side kind of a thing? Probably. I'm afraid, I can't seem my current situation lasting past high school. It just doesn't seem plausible. Things are incredible, and I'm very happy, but I know that in the long-term scheme, things are going to have to end. That scares me. I hate confrontation like that. It was awful the first time I had to face it, and I know it'll be awful the second time around. I don't even remember the first time I had to, I blacked most of it. The only thing I remember is that I was confused about myself, that I was alone that day, and that I was listening to Cough Syrup by Young the Giant on repeat, because it comforted me. Maybe every party involved will be understanding when I have to do it again, but I know how sensitive they can be. I know how sensitive I can be, too. That paragraph was vague on purpose, by the way.

Another thing that confuses me about myself is how indecisive I can be. I have trouble making decisions for myself, no matter how small. I don't know my favorite food, my favorite movie, my favorite song, my favorite band, or my favorite actor. I don't know if I'm happy a lot of the time. I believe whatever I've heard most recently, be about a social topic or something in the news. Sometimes I worry that there's not an original idea in my head, since most of mine were influenced by what someone else had to say.

My english teacher tells me I'm a gifted writer. That makes me happy. I have problems with verbal communication, getting what I'm thinking to turn into what I'm saying. I suck at verbally telling stories, but ask me to write you one? Writing comes easily for me. Maybe it's because I have time to think about what I want to convey, rather than just spit it out with hardly seconds to think. I say 'what?' a lot, just to buy myself some time to think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. Writing comes naturally. I would like to write a book, eventually. If I can ever think of an idea for one, that is. All of my ideas are ripoffs of other stories, and that ties back to the worry that there isn't an original thought in my head. I just took a test, and apparently I show some signs of having Dependent Personality Disorder, but only some of the symptoms are ones I feel I have. I see myself as pretty independent, unless it's in relation to making decisions.

I desperately need a best friend. Myah used to fill that position, but for some reason, my toleration for her has decreased. I don't want it to, because I miss her being my best friend, but with most things she does, I get irritated. That was prevalent when we still talked, but it's more prevalent now. I need a best friend in my new friend group that I'd be willing to tell everything to, like I used to with Myah. I can't find anyone with that potential, though. Keaton, maybe? I'm not sure. He's a good friend, and I love him, but I'm not sure yet.

I think that's all I want to write about for now. I'll hopefully continue this, maybe online, maybe in a tangible journal, if I can get one. I don't know, writing longhand makes my hand cramp, typing might be better for me. It'd help me improve my typing time, people always compliment me on how fast I type. Years of practice will do that for you, I guess.