Always Keep Fighting

You Need A Plan (this is my personal life so feel free to skip)

For nk31nk5

I'm gonna let you all know a bit about my personal life. I am currently 13, really young I'm still in 8th grade. I have done a lot for someone hardly a teenager. Please do not worry, I got in legal trouble and everything is taken care of now. 

The summer before I went into middle school, my friend and I started smoking cigarettes. We smoked every other day that entire summer and for a couple weeks into the school year. We got caught by her parent and we did some things with police; I don't really want to go into detail with that stuff. We were in the middle of moving into the mountains after I finished with my legal stuff. I was grounded for two months. 

I started smoking because I was getting depressed and it stopped the negative feelings. My parents stopped caring about me altogether, I know that sounds like a typical thing to say but they started ignoring me. They only spoke to me if they were telling me to do something, and they didn't notice that something was off about me. When I was forced to stop smoking, my depression came back into play and it was ten times worse.

My parents (of course) took away my phone, I expected that. But I needed it more than ever then, I needed the music. Music kept me alive when the smoking did not. During school, or on days I didn't do it. I was very stressed with school, my siblings started to bully me, my parents couldn't care less about what happened to me, and I started to fight with the only person that I would ever have (NRK). Everything was falling around me. 

After a week, my parents let me take my phone to school, for emergencies. They told me not to, but I could listen to music from the time I left home to the time I got back without them knowing. I started sneaking my phone at night and going on Instagram. I posted really depressing things, trying to get all of the negative feelings out of me. 

I found and followed a lot of pages that talked about cutting. The posts said that it made them feel better, gave them relief, helped them, and other things. My family had practically disowned me, and on labor day weekend of 2013 they sent me to my room and told me "You don't deserve to be here, not with us.". 

I waited until they were all asleep, and I plugged in my headphones and played "Broken" by Life-House. I cried for about an hour and then I went into the bathroom. I found a new razor (a shaving one) and I cut my wrist about 5 times with it, like I had seen in the pictures. The razor had 5 blades on it, so I ended up with about 25 deep cuts on my wrist. It took me a long time to make the bleeding stop. I wasn't grounded about a week from the first time I cut myself, but nothing about my living situation changed. 

About 2 months from labor day, my friend NRK saw my cuts. She helped me for a while, but then things got really serious. We talked and I asked her to tell my parents for me. She did and my "mother" sent me to my room at 8 in the morning, she didn't say I could come out until 5 pm.

Guess what they did? Nothing. They told me to stop. Tole me I was being an idiot and they grounded me for another month. That's why I have practically disowned my parents. They didn't care. I didn't stop cutting. 

I started cutting my hip and only stopped two months ago. I willed myself to be strong. I saved myself. I found something to look forward to, I found people to stay strong for. NRK, Andy, Jensen, Jared, Misha, David, Matt, and Billie. None of them know I exist, well one does. My best friend, NRK. I found people to keep myself up for. I had to.

I tried to kill myself multiple times between 20135 and now. I always got to the point where one more move and it would be over, but I had them to think of. Even if they're fictional, I had to hold out hope that they were real. People can think I'm insane. I know I am. I believe in fictional characters, because I have to.

It is now 2015. I am planning to get emancipated and live on my own at 16. By 2018 maybe 2019 I will be completely separated from my legal parents.

The point of this is that you need a plan. You need to find a way to save yourself. Find a way to stop yourself from hurting yourself. You have to be your own damn hero because no one else is gonna do it. I know it's hard. I'm only 13 and I've done it. I'm leaving soon, growing up. If I can do it, then you can too.