And Life Goes On

Being Irrational (1)

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Jenna's P.O.V

"Jason....I can't believe you! Your disgusting" my voice comes out powerful and confident, but inside I want to break down and cry. Moments ago, I found my boyfriend making out with my sister.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Jenna. It was just a kiss." He mutters in response, making him seem all the more vexing.

"Just a kiss? Really? So all those times in my bedroom, they were just kisses?" I say, still trying to ignore the faucet in  my eyes that refuses to turn off.

"She kissed me, not the other way round. Let's do what we always do, move on. It's not good for you, Jen." The way he thinks he owns me annoys me greatly. I don't care what he does to me now, I can't live with this guy in my life, he's no good.

"You can't blame this on my sister, she's fifteen! She's a child! And it's not like I'm a good role model. My ex is a lying, cheating, bastard!"

"That's not fair, you're being irrational, babe." Jason argues, his dark hair falling in his face. I used to find him attractive, I still do I suppose but his personality just makes me revolted by his mere presence.

"Don't 'babe' me. We're done, Jason. And this time I mean it!" Finally, finally I have freedom or so I thought.

"Now you've done it." His voice drops to an eerie whisper and he grabs my wrist tightly, "I know things, Jenna. I can destroy you. I don't give a damn what you want." He tightens his grip on my wrist and pulls me hastily out of the bar entrance. Tonight was meant to be fun; friends hanging out. But when my best friend left feeling ill, it all started going wrong. When I found Jason making out with my sister, Emily, I lost it. And now he's gonna beat me again.

You'd think I'd have left him a long time ago. But 'love' held me back. But how can someone claim to love you but then hurt you so bad?

Jason drags me to his car roughly all the while his nails dig into the pale skin on my wrist. I know that I'll have bruises tomorrow. I whimper in pain but the violent treatment doesn't stop. I notice a few onlookers but nobody comes to my aid.

This world is cruel. People would much rather a stranger get beaten to a pulp instead being dragged into any kind of confrontation. Not like I would blame them, I'd probarly do  the same in their positions.

Jason throws me in the car before continuing to punch me several times in the face. When will this abuse end? I just want this to end...
*****
I wake up in my bedroom.

 Last night, after Jason... hurt me... he took me home and made me take a pill that makes you sleep. He said we had more to do today, and that I needed to rest.

When I first started going out with him, he was nice. He was my first boyfriend actually- loved by everyone. Jason was always sweet to me; he would give me presents and take me out on dates. When I first kissed him, I thought I was in love. I gave my virginity to him when I was sixteen, and he hasn't treated me the same since.

It's been two years. Why don't you just break up with him? I often wonder. But I've tried, Lord knows I've tried- I can't. He won't let me, and anyway, I love him or so I try to tell myself.

I turn over in bed. My alarm clocks reads 8:34, and I know I should get up. Jason said to meet him at ten at his house and he hates it when I'm late. We'll probably just sit in his room watching re-runs of old football matches. The usual.

 I creep down the stairs in my PJ's- T-Shirt and pajama shorts- and into the kitchen. My parents are still asleep, so I make myself some cereal and head back upstairs. My parents know Jason is my boyfriend, but they don't know anything else. I mean how could they?

 He didn't try anything the first time he came over, so they trust him with me. He was the 'perfect gentlemen according to my mother. If only they knew. Even if they did know, they wouldn't care. I was an accident, it's pretty obvious. They don't even want me, so I just spend most of my time in my room, contemplating life.

That's probably why I decided to stay with Jason so long.

My sister is three years younger than me. now, she wasn't an accident, so she got everything I missed out on and more. I don't understand my parents sometimes. I don't understand people.

An hour and a half later, I'm up and dressed in my car, driving to Jason's for the day. I'm dreading it. I have no clue what he's going to do to me. I've told him I was sick before and couldn't make it, but it didn't work- he came to my house and practically kidnapped me. I've learnt from my mistakes now; just get it over and done with.

I knock on the oak door. Jason lives in the "posh" part of the neighborhood, so he has everything and is spoilt rotten, he doesn't get much attention from his parents though because they're always working, so they're usually not home and wouldn't care if they heard us anyway.

"Hey, babe." Jason says and he kisses me, like what happened last night never really occurred.

"Hi." I muffle, flatly.

"Come on, then." He says, completely ignoring my unenthusiastic tone.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"We haven't been on a date in so long, Jenna. I thought we could go to the beach."

"The beach? I haven't got any of my stuff."

"Eh, we'll swing by yours on the way. We will have fun Jenna." He says, before kissing me again and leading me out to his car. He walks round to his door and slides in; I do the same in my side. He starts the engine and we start off down the road to get to my house, we pull up outside my house and I run in to grab the essentials. It looks pretty warm outside, so I rummage in my draw for a swimsuit and towel. I wrap them up together and shove them in a mini carry on before grabbing sun cream and a book. Walking through the house, I take a couple of deep breaths and open the door to the waiting car.
*****
It only takes around half an hour to get to the beach because we live right next to the coast and it's summer, so it's hot and there is a lot of traffic. As we're driving, I question Jason about today.

"Why the beach?"

He sighs deeply, "Jenna, I really screwed up last night. I wanna make it up to you. I shouldn't have kissed your sister, and you shouldn't have yelled at me about it. It was wrong of me to hurt you, and so I'm gonna make it up to you, even if it means I need to punish you more. I do it because I love you, Jenna." He smiles sweetly at me, a smile that would make any girl melt. But I see right through it. Sex on the beach, just like Dylan and Chelsea were tweeting about yesterday. That's all he cares about. All he's ever cared about.
*****
I walk on to the sand and talk my shoes off. Jason sets up our towels in a secluded space behind a load of rocks before pulling out his phone and typing. So I was right about the sex then. Somehow I feel disappointed in him. And suddenly it all comes crashing down on me, like the words are put straight into my head.

You have no purpose.

You're nothing but a punch bag.

No one really loves you.

So what's the point?

I walk up to Jason and tell him I want to go in the sea. He agrees reluctantly, but says not too long, because he has 'other things planned'. He also says he doesn't want to go in with me. I'm slightly relieved at that- if he knew what I'm about to do he would try and stop me.

I go behind a rock and change into my suit, keeping on my T-Shirt, before running out and into the sea. I grab some rocks from the seabed and shove them in my shirt before immersing myself in the water and walking in deeper until my feet can't touch the sand.

There's no point in your life.

No one cares.

Anything is better than this.

And then I black out.
And there is yelling.
Someone shakes my shoulders.
I hear someone say "shit, Jen."
And that's it.