Story of a Wallflower : Freshman Year

October 21, 2015

The last 24 hrs I have been doing a lot of thinking. The last 24 hrs have been pretty hectic as well.

I don't even know where to start.

A few weeks ago I started to develop feelings for my friend, Nathan. (He looks exactly like Lucas Cruikshank) but it was not until Monday that I knew I actually had feelings for him.

I still have feelings for Daniel but I have feelings for Nathan too.

Cindy likes this guy named Matt. She had a thing for him since the first day of school. Matt and Nathan are really close friends.

All for of us have the 5th period...( P.E.) .

Back in September Cindy asked if I had feelings for Matt. I said no because it was the honest truth. I did not ask why but the question did linger in my mind.

She never ASKED me again if i liked Matt.

Yesterday my friend Mouse (cool name huhh) told me that Cindy invited a handful of her friends to go to the movies. 

I was not surprise she did not invite me because she thinks of me as a freak but something told me to ask her why she did not invite me...so I did.

"...Cindy why didn't you invite me to the movies?"

"Because Matt is going to the movies." I was still confused because I knew it was not just the two of them alone going. It was like 18 other people going as well.

"And...." I said. "I still don't understand."

"I know you like Matthew and Matthew like you." I was kinda shocked when she said that.

"Cindy you know I don't like him. I already told you who I like: Daniel and Nick. No more and no less"

"you can say what ever you want. I wont believe you."

The rest of the school day basically went like that. 

When we were in P.E. me in Cindy just kept arguing and arguing. I sit right next to Cindy and Cindy sits behind Matt. Matt had no idea we were talking about him because we used his code name (McKibben...its a character from the MTV show, Awkward. )

In the middle of our argument, Matt interrupted us to as me a question.

"Hey! what are you doing tomorrow?"

I looked at Cindy before I answered because it was obvious I was not going to the movies.

"I am doing nothing tomorrow."

"wanna go to the movies tomorrow. My friends and I are going to see Goosebumps."

I looked at Cindy and started to laugh. (sorry but I could not help myself)

"No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.  she does not want to go."

I honestly don't know why Matt asked if I wanted to go. We never really talk either. i don't even follow him on Instagram or Twitter.

I did not for one second think of going to the movies for 2 reasons.

1. It was clear that Cindy did not want me there and I don't like going to places where I am not welcomed

2. I don't like goosebumps the book so I had a feeling I would not like the movie.

While Cindy and Matt started to walk over to Nick and talk to him. He is really funny. 

We knew each other a while ago but lost touch....until now.

What I like about him:

how he would notice me in a crowd full of people.

The way he picks me up and spins me around.

The way he hold my waist.

He does not mind my weirdness.

he still talks to me even if i am really sweaty or probably even smell like crap  (because its PE)

He does not think my "emo-ish " wardrobe is a Halloween costume that I wear every day.

None of those things I could really say about Daniel. I did not even realize until today that he only talks to me out side of school. I think its because we are in two different social classes, but i don't know for sure. He never says hi or even wave.  Its like we are strangers at school, but as soon as the bell rings he goes back to knowing who I am

But despite all of those things, when we hang out on the weekends my feelings are still there.

When I got home from school that all I could think about was the arrangement me and Cindy had. The more I thought about it the more I started to feel wrong.

Did i really like Matt?

Did he really like... me?

When I over think about arguments I get into with other people, I would usually think I was the one who did wrong. So this type of action was normal but something about this one was different.

I don't know what it was but I knew there was something... diffrent.

Later that night during cheer practice we still argued about Matt. We probably did more arguing then we did cheering.

"why so you think we like each each other Cindy?" I asked

"Because you guys do and I always know the truth. You guys always look each other like you guys just saw a pretty pair of shoes on Black Friday for half the price." I could not help but laugh. " The way he always tease you," He does tease me a lot but to me that does not seem like he likes me. In my honest opinion, if I was a guy that liked a girl, I would not call he names and tease her. I would show affection

I hate that word but I did not know what other word to use.

"the way he smiles when he sees you and you smile back. He could literally be so pissed off one second but when he sees you, he lights up like a Christmas tree. The list could go on and on"

" First off, I don't think he likes me.  second, I don't like him. Third, if he did like me that does not mean I would suddenly have feelings for him and start dating him. Fourth, I like Daniel and Nathan ONLY!!!! Fifth, I like your analogies. they are pretty funny." I said with laughter then Cindy joined in as well

Honestly I think Cindy is exaggerating the problem. I never ever thought about Matt more than an acquaintance.