Close your eyes lay your head down now it's time to sleep
They were the first words that she ever sang to me. Slowly soothing my restless mind and relaxing my usually tense body. It was the only way I would fall asleep. Her melodic voice and promise that she would be there in the morning.
If you're scared of the darkness I will calm your fear, there's a light in the hallway so you know I'm here.
"Hallway, Hallway" I'd chant after my bath. And squeal as she scooped up my small body, tuck me in and begin to sing.
So count your blessings everyday it makes the monsters go away. And everything will be okay.
As I grew older Light in the Hallway became less of a bed time song and more of an anthem of my days spent with her. It was whispered in passing. Ingrained in the sound of her laugh. Soft, deep, and constantly reminding me of home. The brush of her unruly brown hair against my body as she held me, telling me that Jason, my new little brother, was never coming home and he took any chances of daddy returning with him. From that that day on her smile had a sad tilt to it. I never understood why but I guess it looks a lot like mine. There's a piece of it missing.
You are not alone. You are right at home. Good Night, Good Night.
It was a routine day, got up, dressed, groomed, ate a pop-tart, 'cause someone forgot to buy milk, went to school, sat through my classes until an office worker walked in and whispered in my teacher's ear. I saw a flash of confusion and pity in her eyes, then she called my name. I got up, feeling like I just performed at a sold out show in Madison Square Garden, all eyes were on me. I walked beside the woman trying to remember everything I had done today. When I couldn't remember a thing. So I focused on the lockers surrounding me. Who choose this unappealing shade of red, it was more of a blood orange but totally uninspiring. We stopped at the random yellow locker at the end of the hallway. To the right of it was the guidance counselor's office and my destination. I entered and sat on the ratty brown couch and tried to see in the oddly dim lighting of the room. I guess it was supposed to be comforting but it just felt like confession. When the principle entered I was shocked by his ugliness.
You won't need me forever but I'll still be here.
He was an ugly man. His smiles has been known to scare children so he works at the high school. I refused to look at him for long so I focused on the poster of Einstein that was directly behind him. They tried to explain the situation to me but Einstein was silent. They tried to stay calm as I screamed and cried, but I couldn't see them my focus on Einstein kept me from floating away. Once I lost it I was gone. They tried to comfort me but they couldn't, not the ugly man, the office worker, or the stupid poster of Albert fucking Einstein they didn't smell like a lullaby but I guess she doesn't either, not anymore.
For we all have our nightmares. Even me, my dear From now on, if you need me. You can sing this song there's a light in the hallway burning all night long.
So daddy did come back but he didn't bring Jason. He brought a .45 and left with the life of the person who sang to me every night. He ignored her cries and screams, turned her skin pale and our carpet red. I only wish he would have killed himself too. Made me a proper orphan
So count your blessings every day, it makes the monsters go away, and everything will be okay."
I tried to sing it to myself. Begged for the relief and safety those words used to bring me, but I could never find it. I scoured the house looking for the light she promised me. Screamed at the pictures of her demanding to know why she lied to me. Reminding her memory over and over again that she left me. I tried to count my blessings but I couldn't find one. I stumbled across my own light in the hallway the night I put my own .45 in my mouth.
"Oh, hi momma."
You are not alone you are right at home, Good Night.
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The song used is Light in The Hallway by Pentatonix on their self titled album. If you don't have it you should get it like now.
