My Thoughts Contained in words

Last night's happenings

What was innocence for me before
When I was young and ignorant?

What is innocence to me today
Now that I have seen the lies

Now that everything i used to fancy
Are just a finger-flick away from getting

II

Let me tell you this; That innocence of which i speak of
,i no longer posses.

I no longer understand what makes such as one "innocent"

Is it the ability to trust and believe
even the worst of people?

Is it the unending smile
always evident on our face?

III

Or maybe it's the shutting and bolting of windows
and doors

Covers thick over your head
And pilliows scattered on your bed

The stuffed bunnies in your arms
All for the fear of "monsters" in the night

IV

I hold the covers over my head at night
Praying for a decent night of sleep

I clutch my nameless stuffed toys
and cry inside my head

for my monsters aren't in my head
they're very much real

V

In the middle of the night
i hear a "CREAK" and a "CRACK!"

3AM in the morning,who could it be?
I think,"mom,possibly"

But no,it isn't

A dangerously familiar hand grazes my form
The helpless fear i feel as i move seemingly in my sleep

But I am far from asleep. I am very much awake.

It happened a second time,my chest is touched
I want to CRY! I WANT TO SCREAM!

I see his form move in the shadows,i move one last time
Pleading silently for this to end

I feel a heavy weight shift and move off the bed
My torture,it seems,has ended for the night. It's 4AM

I hear the door slam,it puts me at rest
We're done for tonight,he's not coming back,i reassure myself

But it just wont do
Because what kind of SICK FUCKING FAMILY
would molest me in the night?

I try my best to close my eyes

and focus on the good.

But what kind of good exists to soothe my rapid beating heart

if,with every creak of the door,my nightmare awake begins

It's 5:30 and I am sound asleep
Yet ten minutes later,the wind blowing on my blanket touching my knees
reminds me of his menacing touch
and keeps me wide awake

Ten minutes late,pillow on my chest and between my legs
allows me no more than 5 minutes of peace
before i grab the pillows and pull my covers down

and lay wide awake

In constant fear of my safety,
like a mouse being spied on by a cat

I hush the electric fan and concentrate on sound
in the dark

My face is sweating profusely
my body feels sore and cold

My eyes are tired and heavy
my breathing is a whisper

Though nothing much happened to me,
it was enough for quite a scare

I want mommy to come back home
to keep me safe and warm

Because what had happened years ago

Back when i had lost my innocence
Is happening once again

The one whom i do not trust,and the one whom touched me in such a way
There is only one name for both
the beloved brother of my mother,
The two i refuse to acknowledge as family


And that concludes

The story of how
my

innocence

was stolen.