"Why are you not saying anything?" Calum asked after a while of us four just silently seating in the back room of the tour bus.
"Because I don't know what to say" I harshly answered and even though I wasn't looking at any of them; I knew they all had their eyebrows raised in surprise at my reply.
"You mad?" Luke asked; I shot him a death glare and he raised his hands in defence as his eyes widened.
"Yeah, maybe it's because you guys have been having discussions about me behind my back... You even made a pact; what is it? A TV show?" I started yelling. "Like seriously, we're all friends, I'm not your little sister, for god sake, I've been fucking him for almost a month!" I said as I pointed a finger toward Michael. "What makes you think you have any right, first, to tell me who I can and can't date or have sex with, and second, to make a pact with your best friends that none of you would touch me?" I said as I looked at them alternately and waited for one of them to answer but they were all avoiding my gaze. "Okay and now you're obviously all being really brave so I think I'm going to go clear my head for a second"
I stepped out of the tour bus and started walking aimlessly. I tried to think about it; to find an explanation; but I just couldn't really understand what this was all about and truth was I wasn't sure I wanted to know. So I just took the time to calm myself down and then decided that everything was okay; and that I didn't want to be mad at anyone anyway.
I went back to the tour bus in the evening and found the boys in the same room I left them, watching a movie I had never seen before. They all looked at me as I sat down next to the older boy and I suppressed the smile that was threatening to creep up on my face as they all waited for me to say something.
"You're not mad?" Ashton whispered and I turned my head to him as I shrugged and shook my head.
He gave me a questioning look and I smiled as I opened my arms toward him.
"Cuddle?" I asked and he seemed to hesitate for a second before shifting on the couch and resting his head on my chest as he wrapped his arms around me.
We stayed like that for a while and everybody seemed to gradually relax as we all started cracking jokes and commenting on every scene of the movie.
We were all pretty tired and decided to go to bed as soon as the movie was over.
I went to the bathroom first and started brushing my teeth before putting a bit of cream on my face. The door cracked open and I looked into the mirror to see Michael quietly entering the narrow space before locking the door behind him.
"We haven't had a chance to talk about what happened today" he answered my unspoken question.
"Yeah" I replied as I turned around and looked directly at him.
"How are you feeling? I mean, you looked quite mad this morning and then when you came back you acted as if nothing happened..." he said and I shrugged as I reached into my toilet kit and started brushing my hair.
"Well yeah it was just a bit weird at first but honestly I just don't really wanna think about it... I don't really understand what this is all about and I'd rather not care so I'll just ignore the fact that you guys acted really weird" I explained and he shook his head as he took a step toward me.
"Okay, now that's exactly what you said to all of us earlier... The truth?" he asked and I raised an eyebrow at him as I placed the hairbrush on the side of the sink and crossed my arms over my chest.
"The truth? That's the truth!" I repeated as I brought my eyebrows together.
"Seriously?" he asked as he rolled his eyes; "Don't you think I know you better than that?" he said as he took another step toward me; leaving almost no space between us.
"No; I think you don't know me better than the other boys" I said and a smirk appeared on his face as he looked at the ground and shook his head.
"Well I'm going to prove you wrong, then" he started as he took the last step that was separating us and placed his hands on my hips.
I was praying that he wasn't about to kiss me because I would have had to push him away.
"Thing is I know you better than they do; whether you like it or not. And when you said you were fine earlier, you stuck your bottom lip out a little, just like you did a second ago. And the boys didn't think anything of it because they may have never seen this face before but I have. You do the same thing when I ask you if you're close because I'm about to lose it; and you say yes because you don't want to upset me but in reality you're not really there yet... You stuck your bottom lip out when you're lying and I've learned that while having sex with you.
"I know that the boy didn't really understand why you were mad earlier and why you left. I know that you left because you were mad and none of us were replying... I know that it's something you hate because when you have my cock in your hand, when you're gently stroking it and ask me if it feels good and I don't answer because I'm usually too out of breath to even let out a sound, you get mad the same way you did earlier and threaten to leave me like this."
My lips were parted and I didn't know what to say. He was right, of course he was right. I refused to admit that having sex with him made our friendship different from the ones I had with the other boys; but it did.
"And the way you look right now, speechless, trying to find something to say... It's the face you make when someone takes you by surprise and do something you weren't expecting. I know it because that's the way you look when I wake you up by pressing my tongue against your clit... That's the face you make right before you reach down to tangle your fingers in my hair."
He added and I felt myself getting excited at the thought of the few times he'd done that to me.
"You're right" I finally whispered as I looked up into his eyes and he gave me small smile before squeezing my hips.
"And I'm even going to go a bit further... I know I'm risking a lot by saying that but I also think we've been lying to ourselves all this time. We've been pretending that sleeping together didn't change a single thing about our friendship and I guess we've been good at it as the boys only noticed today but... But I think it changed things; I know that it did for me and I think I can tell it did for you, too. We've always been too good as friends to even think about being anything more but truth is I care about you as more than a friend... And I've been ignoring it all this time but today I suddenly realized that the fact that the boys caught us might mean that we'd never get to have sex ever again and...
"And I didn't care that much... But I cared about not being able to kiss you anymore; not being able to fall asleep with you lying in my arms; not being able to help you cover your hickeys with foundation in the morning... Those are the things that I'm going to miss; those are the things I care about."
Tears had appeared in the corner of my eyes and I couldn't believe Michael were the boy saying the words I'd always dreamed of hearing. He had just forced my walls down and it was like I couldn't pretend anymore. I genuinely believed that I didn't have any feelings for Michael; that what we did was pure sex and that it didn't mean anything else. But now that he was laying it down; now that I had him in front of me; now that he had stripped me down of my armor; I couldn't help but realize how wrong I was.
"I think... I think I feel the same way, too" was all I managed to say as I looked up at him, eyes wide in fear.
"I know" he replied as he cupped my face, leaned in and pressed his plump lips on mine.
It felt like we were kissing for the first time; it was full of passion; it was true and for once it wasn't rushed. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me as he placed one hand on the small of my back and tilted his head to the side to deepen the kiss.
"How did you know?" I murmured as we pulled away and he pressed his forehead on mine.
"This morning, you said something like 'What we do, Michael and I... It's purely sex, there are no feelings behind that...'... And when you said it you had your bottom lip slightly stuck out" he explained and I closed my eyes and scrunched my nose up as I pressed my face into his chest.
