You're a Bottom, Harry

The Beginning

Harry stared into the fire, wishing more than anything that Sirius's head would appear there and give him some advice about girls.

A moment later, his godfather's head materialized in the embers. Sirius smirked. "Can I help you, Harry?"

"Yeah, I, er, need some help with dating," Harry mumbled. He glanced around the common room, making sure it was empty for the fifth time.

"Well, Harry, I've seen you and Ron, you could just go for it in my opinion-"

"Well, er, I need help with girls," Harry interjected.

"Well, Harry, I don't know how to help you. I'm just really really-"

"Good at picking up the ladies?" Harry interrupted again, mocking Sirius's tone.

"No! What I'm trying to say is that I'm really really gay." Sirius exhaled slowly. "I'm just super gay, and I can't help you."

"But, Sirius, I need to ask someone to the Yule Ball!" Harry whined. "How do I find someone to go with me?"

"Well, try kissing a guy instead. That worked for me," Sirius said matter-of-factly.

"But who should I ask?"

"If that Lupin's ass is as fine as I remember it then you could ask him." Sirius paused. "But I guess he isn't at Hogwarts anymore. Maybe I can ask him."

"Sirius, can you at least give me some dating advice?"

"Yes, Harry," Sirius rolled his eyes. "Lesson one: be open to new things about your identity. For example, you may start liking guys now and that's fine!"

"Wha- But I'm not-"

"Trust me Harry, if it worked for me it can work for you."

"But-" Harry stopped. "Shh, I hear footsteps! Sirius, leave!"

"Oh, alright," said Sirius, and then he was gone.

A moment later, Seamus peered into the room. "Harry, you ok? I heard talking."

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks," Harry said. He thought of his godfather's advice. Harry was about to ask Seamus to go to the Yule Ball when Dean rushed in behind Seamus.

Dean took Seamus's hand, eyeing Harry like a concerned mother. "Harry, you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Harry yawned. "Better get to bed." He felt a twinge of envy as he ran up the stairs, because out of the corner of his eye he saw Seamus and Dean kissing passionately against the wall.