PUNS GALORE

One line Puns.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

I can't believe i was fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.

  Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and      deodorant. Dirty Bastards.

 My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

 How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

  What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1" 

 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

  Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

  Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

  Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

 I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

  A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent. 

 Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

  What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish 

 I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

  A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame. 

 I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

  What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic 

 I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

  Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. 

 No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.  

  What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. 

 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened. 

  If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible? 

 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

  Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.  

  I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables. 

 I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 

 My math teacher called me average. How mean!

  What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships. 

 Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

  Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 

 I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

  On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

 What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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