Unworthy

Chapter 2.1

Loki's mind was running a mile a minute. His thoughts were mixed together and confused. Some came out like a blur and others clear as day. They were becoming more pursuant then he would have wanted, eating away at him like a poison. He hated to reminisce about it every moment swirling together, all the bad things that happened. In a way remembering the past was comforting. Back when everything was routine and normal. It was the only way he could temporarily forget the rest.

Before everything spiraled out of control and steadily got worse. It didn't matter what he did the outcome was the same up until the very end when his mind drew a blank. That's when the life he wanted to go back to was gone forever. The quarrel with his brother and the others was an easier dilemma. Even saying so he still didn't wish to repeat it. Even so he'd rather relive it over and over again than one more time with the horrible man.

He clenched his head in his hands attempting to prevent the image from reanimating in his mind. Through all of his efforts he wasn't able to, no matter how hard he gripped his hair the memories continued flooding in. He'd tried so hard to repress had surfaced again. The last comforting image was the look his brother had in his eyes, deep blue like an ocean and full of concern. It dissipated along with anything else he remembered regarding any sort of familiarity.

Thor never wanted any of his to happen. He didn't want to lose his brother and in a way neither did Loki. It seems they've both been dealt with bad circumstances. In the end Loki ended up the way Thor was in the beginning; carless, arrogant, and blind to reason.

That look was the only proof that he still held a place in his heart, at least then, but now it was uncertain if there was anything left. Even if any of that was true there was a little something left in him on Earth a few days ago. Those eyes always got to him when they were younger. He was always so easy to read, just like a book. Loki just couldn't understand why his brother didn't despise him to his core. After what he did there would be a special place in hell for him. He let go and the image slowly faded into darkness. There was nothing keeping him from moving forward and just forgetting the monster he was. It wasn't a possibility.

Then there was the disapproval of father. 'I thought I was doing right by destroying Jotunhem. There would be no need for war when the problem no longer existed. I guess I was the fool.' He showed an almost hysterical smile as he cracked open his puffy emerald green eyes now welting with fresh tears.

"It wasn't my fault.. wasn't.. it wasn't.." Loki repeated over and over again trying to make himself believe that one simple truth that seemed a lie. Everything was going so fast, he was hardly able to keep up. His thoughts raced, flashing back and forth until they had been replaced by worse ones. He couldn't take it anymore. He gripped his head vigorously in order to make it stop, but to no prevail. He was done with remembering the past, it only brought with it shame and heartache.

Regret among all other. His nails dug into the sides of his skull, hoping the pain would drown out this feeling. Not all the pain and suffering he would bring upon himself would ever be enough to atone for the damage he'd caused. If anything he'd gotten use to that certain feeling of anguish. He'd nearly become tolerant of physical pain. Thanos made sure of that.

He paused for a second, that name rung in his head like a distant screech from an unknown assailant. His very existence made Loki shiver. How could such a monster even exist? Had he known he would have been pick up by that monster he sooner let Thor finish him off, although he probably wouldn't have been able to knowing him. He was supposed to of met his demise and yet he managed to find something so utterly worse, a living hell.