But are you really okay?..

You should've died. Not him.

~~ I'm Sam, a transgender emotionally fucked up teenager. I'm fourteen years old. I know, most say "Oh, you can't fall in love in the ninth grade" I proved you wrong. I was in a very happy, sustainable relationship.. Until....

~FlAsHbAcK~ --It was June 16th. I had been really exhausted from school so, I cam home and took a nap. It turns out, my boyfriend was feeling suicidal. (he suffered from psychotic depression, schizophrenia, public & social anxiety. He was just mentally fucked up. He was home-schooled because of how bad the voices in his head were. He ended up having seizures during lunch & it's because "the voices made him.") He told me I medicated his head. I felt like It was meant to be... I loved him.. I truly did.. I was IN love with him. Anyway, I was taking a nap & I wake up do my usual night terrors, I immediately check my phone & see my phone being spammed. You see, everyone knows Alex to say he's going to kill himself.. I'll be honest.. I consider him an attention whore. I still love him, though. I wake up from an unusual text from him an hour ago stating "what would you do if I killed myself..." I widen my eyes & see a text from his sister "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT" I got an anxious feeling in my stomach.. A text from my best friend Madison. "CALL ALEX!" Madison cared about Alex but.. She doesn't seem... "Okay" About it.. My hands start shaking & I go to my phone dial, I go to call Alex. I press the contact name "my love" & it rings twice before I hear a sobbing woman get on the phone "H-hello?.." "Is this Kimberly?.." (Kimberly is Alex's mother) "Y-yes.. Is this Sam?.." "i let out sigh & mutter Yes.." "YOU FUCKING WHORE. YOU WERE TOO BUSY FUCKING OTHER GUYS TO REPLY TO THE GUY WHO IS FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU? YOU MEDICATE HIS FUCKING HEAD & YOU CAN'T EVEN REPLY TO HIM? YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN THE ONE TO DIE. NOT HIM. I HATE YOU!" And with that she hangs up the phone. I swallow hard & my hands start shaking and I slowly run out of breath.. Hyperventilating the last morsels of air I have left. I ended up overdosing on oxycottons & my mother had to shove her fingers down my throat and made me puke up all twelve of them.. I was dying inside. I went through a phase where I wouldn't leave the house. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't do anything. I stared at a wall for hours at a time.~

Currently, It's been four months I am still physically depressed with a fake smile across my face. I guess I'm good at hiding that stuff. My mom is fooled. She came in my room with a grilled cheese sandwich & a cup of water.. she says in a soft voice "here, I thought you might be hungry from all that wall staring. You seem exhausted." Heh, yeah. "Well here you go, honey." And with that she silently walks out of my room. I set the sandwich on my bed & take a small sip of the water & set it down on my bed.

I stand up and walk over to the piano that I've been letting collect dust for about a year and slowly creak open the flap, sitting down on my bench. I sigh & start to softly play Terrible Things by Mayday Parade. Softly singing along to the chorus "Now son, I'm only telling you this because life... Can do terrible things.." Tears are now streaming rapidly down my face as I softly nibble on my bottom lip the words "You should've been the one to die. Not him." "You should've been the one to die. Not him" racing through my head. I blink the tears away.. Standing up & I sit on the edge of my bed and sigh staring blankly down at the floor.. My eyes getting foggy & my vision getting blurry from the tears building up.

"I'm sorry, Alex..." I whisper almost silently, my eyes closing as I bow my head down. I inhale slowly and lay back on my bed, cuddling with a panda that my mom bought me from the zoo a few years ago. I love that panda. It makes me happy.. It makes me feel.. Like I have someone who loves me.. & won't leave me. I stroke the plush animal.. "I'm talking to a plush ball of cotton.. God, I'm fucked up" I hear my mom yell my name & so I walk out of my room & I go to the kitchen to see what she wants. "Sam. I know you never have to do chores but.. I'm cooking dinner & I have raw meat on my hands. Do you think you could take out this trash for me?" "Oh.. Um.. Yeah.." I tie the garbage bag & walk it outside realizing it's been like a month since I've stepped outside.

I walk back inside & go straight up to my room and my mom yells "Thank you honey" "Yeah.." I mumble under my breath. I hear loud screaming and yelling coming from outside. I stand up & walk to the window. I'm usually not interested in stuff like this.. I peek out the window & see a girl.. Bigger boned standing outside. A sweatshirt that says "Of mice & Men" & sweatpants. No shoes on & her hair in a messy bun. I see a boy that look my age, maybe a year of two older He's in a batman tanktop, black pants & converse you can tell he's been crying because of his red puffy eyes. Next to the girl is another guy. Light brown hair with the "fuckboy" look. He has a smirk as him & the girl are laughing at the boy in the batman shirt. I furrow my eyebrows and the boy turns his head in frustration making eye contact with me through my window.. A unreadable expression on his face. I widen my eyes & walk away quickly hoping he doesn't suspect that I'm stalking because it's not my business to be in his.

I let out a sigh & sit on my bed. Deciding to take a nap. My mom comes up to my room lightly knocking and saying "Uh- Um.. Sam, someone is at the door to talk to you. Can he come in?" I look around my room in confusion & "Yeah.." The boy in the batman shirt walks in my room and stares awkwardly at the ground. "I... Saw you looking at our break-up.. " I widen my eyes and start spewing words out & rambling "I.. I promise I wasn't stalking. I was just curious what the yelling was about I.. I'm sorry.." "Hey. Stop. I'm not mad. I just got bored & I wanted to hang out if you were up to it....." "Sam. My name is Sam." Oh. "Hello, Sam. I'm Elliott." I smile at how nice he's being eh, everyone's nice when they want something. "Y-yeah.." "What do you say we go on a walk?" I bite my lip.. My hands trembling at the thought of walking with this stranger.. "Um.. Umm.. Y-yeah.. That's be fine.." I stand up and put on my vans & tell my mom goodbye..

We walk out the doors & I look up at him. My hair being dumb and covering my face. "Hey.. Elliott.. I.. You.. I'm transgender... You know that, right?...."