Things I Could Never Tell You

176, 177, 178

Text #176.

June 20, 8:56 am.

I didn't have the strength to actually get out of bed. I don't think you will ever know the kind of impact your words had on me. You love her, of course, you do. I was dumb enough for actually thinking that it could ever be me, you know? That you would actually look me in the eyes and tell me I was okay. That I was conclusively good for you. I could have fixed every fucking single flaw inside me. Every single mistake. Every single weakness, defect and pitfall. And even still, I'd never be enough for you. There will always be someone who's prettier than me. More talented. You'll always pick anyone. Anyone but me.

Text #177.

June 21, 11:56 pm.

Cameron tried calling me. I didn't answer him. I'm just not in the mood to keep explaining "what I feel" to people. I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling. You've kind of destroyed that little piece of hope I had inside me the moment you walked through the threshold. These last few days I've been feeling distant from everything. Even from myself. I don't know if I disappear, if I cry or if I pretend that everything is alright. I guess a bit of all of them would do me some good. I guess it's easier pretending to be angry and say that I hate you instead of admitting that you hurt me like hell.

Text #178.

June 22, 4:30 pm.

I stayed basically the whole day sprawled on my bed, with the curtains closed and without eating anything. It's not that I don't want to eat. I just don't have any appetite. Cameron came over, but I just told mom to tell him that I was out at Sophie's house. He called me countless times, but I don't have the will to answer him. He makes me want to hope that there's actually people in whom I can trust on. And I have to get rid of that thought before I illude myself once again.