Sindak

KABANATA 3

I am grumpy. Ayoko sanang dalhin ang disappointment ko kapag kasama ko si Anna, but I can't afford to do that right now.  I'm just too angry and stressed out at the same time na pati tuloy s'ya, nasusungitan ko na.

Anna and I have been together for three years now. And she knows me well enough kung pa'no ko nare-release ang inis ko sa mundo. Despite her psychotic tendencies when depressed, her knowledge and understanding of my quirks is exactly why I still have her back kahit ilang beses ko nang tinangkang makipaghiwalay sa kan'ya. I had too many relationships beyond count--since I am not exactly a good guy when I was younger, pero kay Anna lang ako nakampante; enough for me to stay put.

She's very amenable and very good at intimacy. She doesn't complain when I opt to aggressively take her when I am in a bad mood.  She even allows me to hurt her a little bit.  A little spank, whipping and mild slapping during intercourse doesn't really bother her.  She actually likes it.  She's definitely that one crazy chick who's capable of doing every man's erotic fantasies.

"Eff you, bitch..." I whispered to her as I took her over.

She laughed. She knows I am not really referring to her as 'the bitch'. We keep no secrets. She knows I was referring to somebody who really pissed me off.

"I want to effing rip off your ugly mouth!"

She laughed even louder.

***

"Man, aren't you really pissed." Tumatawang sambit ni Anna habang naninigarilyo kami sa balkonahe ng apartment n'ya para magpahangin. "But I really like it when you're upset with somebody. I actually prefer to be taken hard. You know that right?."

Copyright ⓒ DyslexicParanoia (Angela Atienza), 2014, All rights reserved.  

Nginisian ko ito bago ako muling humithit at bumuga ng usok ng sigarilyo.

"I need to find a catchy name for a horror series." Sabi ko; nakatingin sa malayo.

"How about Hiwaga?"

"Oh, it's been taken by another company."

"Hmmm. Hilakbot."

Tumawa ako, "Mga title ng old horror comics 'yan ah. It has to be original, hun. Something that hasn't been taken yet."

"Ang hirap naman. Tapos kailangang true stories pa?  Humingi ka kaya ng tulong kay John."

"I'm only stressed out but I'm not that desperate yet."  Hinila ko muna s'ya bago ko hinapit ang kan'yang balakang palapit sa akin.

"C'mon Jeff, bakit ba wala kang tiwala kay John?  Bigyan mo naman ng chance 'yung tao."

Muli akong napatawa, "Ipinagtatanggol mo si John? Will you do the same thing kung malalaman mo na hindi s'ya boto sa 'yo for me?"

Biglang nalungkot ang kan'yang ekspresyon, "Sino ba naman kasing matinong bestfriend and magugustuhan ako for you?"

"O, ayan ka na naman sa mababang pagtingin mo sa sarili mo." She's depressed and with a very low self esteem.  I think I've already mentioned that.

"Alam ko naman na may toyo ako sa ulo. I know I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy. You're just trapped in a lot of problems you didn't choose."

She looked right through my eyes, "Do you really love me?"

Not sure.

"What kind of question is that?"

"Are you sure you really want to marry me?"

I guess.

"Sure."

"Do you really enjoy my company?"

I have 200% sexual satisfaction with you.

"Oo naman, bakit?"

"Wala lang. Gusto ko lang makasiguro na sisiputin mo ako sa ating kasal."

I paid for all the wedding expense. Bakit naman ako magtatapon ng gano'n na lang?

"I will be there, don't you worry."

"For the right reasons?"

I really hate it when she asks too much. It makes me overthink things I do not really want to.

"Define 'right reasons'?"

"That you really love and care for me. That you really want to spend your whole life with me, until we grow old, wrinkly, with gray hairs and all."

Wait... may tumatagal pa ba ng ganung katagal ngayon? As far as I know, marriages can be annulled for many acceptable reasons these days.

But heck, what will I lose even if I mindlessly say...

"Of course."

What matters to me is the present anyway. I have been in and out of exhausting relationships I don't really want to deal with anymore.  Wala na akong time maghanap ng date every time I want to get laid. And at my age--I'm 28, I don't really like being constantly asked why I am not married yet. Para naman maka-concentrate na ako sa career ko. I really want those petty nuisances in life out of my way.  Kapag kasal na ako, wala nang magtatanong. Wala na ring pressure to find dates at crunch time.

Ok naman si Anna. She have loony tendencies kapag nagseselos o kapag sinusumpong ng kan'yang mababang self-esteem, but at least she's not the demanding and the high maintenance type. She's like a plant. Didiligan mo lang at kakausapin araw-araw, ok na s'ya. She's very beautiful, hot and sexy anyway. I think I'll be fine without being too sentimental on being deeply and madly in love with her.

Hindi ko kailangang magpakalunod sa romance.  Madali namang sabihin ang 'I love you' even if you don't really mean it.  And if I will say it properly, hindi na naman siguro n'ya mahahalata na I'm not driven by the sentimental and more passionate kind of love; na I am only marrying her because she's conveniently right for me.

She warms up my bed. Being married to her will eliminate my dealings with those stupid people who dips into my life--as if they have the right to ask me why I am not in a relationship at my age yet. She's a good homemaker. She cooks good food and knows how to run household errands.  I'm pretty sure for as long as I do what has to be done on my part, hindi na s'ya magtatanong kung mahal ko ba talaga s'ya o hindi.

Madali namang bumili ng mga bulaklak para masabi n'yang naalala ko s'ya, o ang bigyan s'ya ng material na bagay kada may okasyon. Giving her sweet notes and love letters is not a problem. I'm a writer and an editor. I can absolutely compose those strings of words that can make her heart melt...even if I don't mean it; or even if it's actually intended for somebody else.

Call me names. A furtive jerk maybe. It doesn't really bother me when I'm gauged for my frankness and honesty.  It is what it is. It doesn't matter what other people say. What she doesn't know won't hurt her anyway.

[Itutuloy]