too imperfect to be living (too perfect to be dying)

fin.

Kyungsoo feels air being knocked out of him as he is repeatedly shoved against the wall. Banging and screaming in his ear, his world is spinning and crumbling all at the same time. Everything is too painfully familiar. Kai's cold fingers wrap itself around Kyungsoo's pale neck, threatening to steal his life.

Take it, Kyungsoo thinks, it's not worth much anyways.

Worthless. Pathetic. Imbecile.

"If I tell you to fucking starve, you fucking do it! Stop whining like a fucking greedy little bitch." Kai growls in his ear, emphasizing each and every syllable, as if Kyungsoo isn't aware of how much he sucks. Kai's breathing is ragged and heavy. Kyungsoo's heartbeat is erratic and his mind is blank, a vast of emptiness, not at all unlike his hollow heart.

"Who the fuck gains back 15kg in just a span of two months? What the fucking hell is wrong with you?! You're a fucking useless faggot." Unlike his icy fingers, Kai's voice is always raw with malice and fiery with anger.

His furious gaze is burning into Kyungsoo's large eyes which are practically screaming fear.

"Do you or do you not get me, Do Kyungsoo?" The younger spits, sounding both derisive and full of contempt. Kyungsoo hates the way Kai sounds. It makes him feel even worse than he already does, makes him feel even more disgusted of himself than he already is. It just makes him want to die even more. He desperately wishes he could drill a hole into the tiled floor and disappear forever. He doesn't want to be in front of Kai. Not in this state. Not when he looks like a fucking pig.

Wait for me Kai, he silently pleads, I promise I'll be good enough. I'll make sure I hit below 40 this time.

Kyungsoo nods, almost resignedly.

Kai's lips twitches somewhat but not enough to form a broken smile yet, "that's a good boy, Kyungsoo," he purrs, "that way, Chanyeol will definitely like you."

"No, I don't care about Chanyeol anymore. I just want you to like me, Kai." Kyungsoo doesn't know why, but he says it anyway.

The taller lifts a brow, staring at Kyungsoo for a moment before he nods, face void of any emotions.

"Yeah, sure," he says with a dismissive wave of his other hand. Kyungsoo sighs inwardly, admiring how perfectly sculpted and lean Kai's body is, not at all like his own imperfect body.

"I'll get going. Remember your promise." And with that, the coldness around his neck is lost and Kyungsoo's eyes are suddenly warm with unshed tears and untold sorrows. But now that Kai is gone, who else would listen to his cries of despair and silent pleas for help? He doesn't remember hearing the doors close but maybe it's better this way; at least he wouldn't feel the same sense of loneliness that envelopes him whenever someone leaves him.

As time passes by, Kyungsoo gradually learns that loneliness is only part of being human. You're always alone and if you think you're not, you're probably delusional. Kyungsoo decides he no longer wants to be delusional.

-

Kyungsoo is facing the mirror, tracing his scars with a finger. Every scar is a memory, a painful one. Every time the blade digs into his skin, he feels euphoria and pain all at the same time. It's a contradiction, Kyungsoo bitterly thinks, but there's a certain beauty in contradiction and Kyungsoo loves beauty.

Kyungsoo starves because he wants to live, to truly live. He doesn't want to live life like a zombie, avoiding human contact as much as possible because he is so fucking ashamed of how fat he is. He wants to live a life where he can go to the movies with his friends without feeling like the odd one out, play basketball with Sehun without feeling fat, allow Chanyeol to hold him by his waist without feeling insecure and so much more. He will no longer feel ugly, and perhaps one day, he may even feel beautiful. He can be like the beauty he always admires. He will finally feel human enough. Maybe, Kyungsoo is unable to see the irony behind that. He gradually allows anorexia to take over him, thinking it'll somehow allow him to be human when all it ever does is make him even less of a human than he already is.