The craziest thing about me is that I could point out a whole lot of negatives that I could say much about myself. I never thought that growing up would slowly realize you how close you are to dying. One thing for sure I don't have that kind of sickness yet crawling out killing my body, But I have this sickness, slowly, merciless killing my soul. I'm not depress well not yet. I'm just here lazy, waiting, hoping that somebody would ever save me. Everywhere I go I leave countless of moments that I sure do hope didn't happen. I'm Embarrassing. I'm a walking proof of shame. I am never proud of myself. I hate everyone who isn't my friends. I hate how they stare at me. I hate the boy whom I broke his heart. I hate all this temporary pleasures in life. I'm just here looking out for trouble and look someone to blame my recklessness for. But one day for sure karma is on its way hunting me.
"I can't. I love you, you can't break up with me just like that." He demanded as I ended our 2 months and 15 days of flirting. "Well my parents don't like you, I told them about you and they don't like it." There's a pinch of lie there. I would not dare talk about him to my parents. I never tell my parents about my relationship. I always do the break up, once the magic is gone so does me in in my boyfriend's life. But this guy right now. I HATE HIM. I HATE IT WHEN HE TOOK MY FIRST KISS FROM ME. I didn't realize that till he said it. I was asleep. And I'm so stupid to allow him that, how can I? I didn't know. I feel numb. Was I that easy? I wish I have amnesia right now but I got nothing to do about it so what gives. I'll just try to forget. But now we're over I told my parents about him and now they really hate him. After the breakup he would not stop bothering me till death. Now I hear rumors, fuck rumors. I hate rumors it shallows my mind and disturbs my clear waters. I want to stab something, anything. I did love him, but I love this guy more. This guy is my thunder, I feel like I belong to him. And I know I'm a jerk leaving him for him but I know that's how it'll make things fair. I'm unstable. I'm a storm.
I'm such a weak person. But I'm going to change. I will change. There's no prince charming coming to save me and I'm no damsel in distress. It's time to win myself love again. I'm tired with relationships, there just amazing at first but make you stupid in the end. I don't want that. It's time for me. Love is when you dance gracefully with a blindfold but when you take it off you realize you're naked.
I lost her. My best friend, our friendship were my best treasures for her those were the most rotten garbage. I'm angry at her but I just love her and here I am doing nothing winning her back. God knows how much I miss her, but everyone makes me feel like it is okay to lose her. I was comfortable with that thought for a moment but now I'm not so sure. Our "Friendship Over" anniversary is coming. I just can't help but wonder why did we both come to this.
I'm a liar. I lie for the sake of saving myself from hurt. To blind myself with life- I'm happy. But no one is happy. But when I say I love you, you just heard my heart. I'm seeking love, that kind of love that I cannot give myself. I lied for others people sake, but for most for my selfish ways. I tell them "I hate my body, I look fat and I look gross" I say it because for the reason of lying. Because in lying ill know who are true to me.
But after all this craziness I wrote and I do know you have yours too,
I trust God.
-fin-
