My Last Letter

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(Read this.. when you are lonely.)

Dear Darling..

   If you are reading this.. I still love you.. So many years wasted because of what I did to you.. I'm sorry for that. I am sorry for hurting you everyday.. I am sorry for making you cry.. I am sorry for not being able to be by your side, good and bad times. I just want you to remember that after everything.. And when that sun shines again.. I'll be waiting for it. And most especially.. I still love you. I promised you forever.. So that's what you'll get.

There are times where I feel like dying.. cause I am not worthy of life.

There are times where I feel like not giving a fuck cause it's just too much.. but every time I remember what we went through to get here.. I see hope.

There are times where I regret falling for you.. At some point, I knew I'd do this again.. I knew I'd hurt you, like child that fell off his bike, but continue to ride. The only reason i regret it is.. because I love you too much that you getting hurt is a dagger into my heart.

There are times where I just want to drop everything.. But if I did.. It might make things worse.. But for the life of me.. I don't even know what worse is anymore.. I feel like a coward who found an easy way out..

Over this time.. I've learned.. that I never knew what love is.. we.. didn't know what love is.. Till now. I did not know trust either.. I kept doubting myself and doubting you.. till now. I knew what trust was. Trust was not worrying whether you or anyone would do anything against our bond.. And being fine with it.. that was trust. I found it not because I didn't care.. But because worrying about you everyday.. killed me. It hurt so much like sleeping on a bed of nails. And in our situation.. I want you to learn that to.. to save you from this.

We may not talk now.. But every wink and hello is an "I love you". I realized that I.. was not perfect for you. But I wanted to be. So, I wanted to change, a big change. If lust and desire got us in this mess, it'll have to change. My worrying too much has to change, my thoughts have to change, my lifestyle, and everything else just to prove that I want you in my life. I want the same change to happen to you.. so that we're both on the same page. And when the time comes, that we meet again.. I'll start over new like we never met.. And fall in love with you all over again.

Few weeks before that incident.. Your father asked me to help them change you.. and I did.. But it wasn't enough. I was wrong when I said those erroneous statements against your mother.. I was bias.. and I was blinded. For that.. I am very sorry to both your parents. It seems I won't be able to teach you after all.. but.. listen to me.. and trust me, that I know you and your mother will not see eye to eye.. but make an effort to understand her, so that soon, she will too. Love her, and she will too. Never speak ill of your family, ever. She had made sacrifices for the family, sacrifices, for you. At least I can say.. I did something to help you hehehe...

I treated you wrong. Instead of treating you with 100% love.. There was lust.. It's  parasite that.. sadly destroyed my plan for us. Apologies if I become less of the lustful boy you know.. I just want to be more romantic than sexual. It was a mistake.. I am sorry hon.

In school don't think about me.. Think about your lessons and friends. I am the least of your worries and priorities. I'm not asking you to forget me.. I'm asking you to prioritize something else. Don't chase after me either honey, I don't want you getting hurt by this.. If you do.. I've no choice.. It's a huge sacrifice that we have to do to save this bond. But no matter how busy I will be, or how tired, always remember that your name is carved on the surface of my heart.

Every night I pray for you to be happy and smiling. I won't ask you to forget about your mistakes, but I want you to learn from them as I did.

Don't be shy.. Although it is cute hehe.. Everyone is a little weak on the knees.. But you can't stand if your knees are weak. You told me you are a tiger.. So roar. An empress, so lead. A goddess, so stand. Meet new people. Speak. Shout! But be careful with the people you choose, and the things you say.

When you're feeling down and sad.. Just eat chocolates or do something fun with yourself or your friends. Play, watch a movie, sleep, eat, anything! Also remember.. That Jagi loves you lots hehe.

Lastly.. It may take a while.. Hell.. We might not see each other for years! But remember me.. Remember that we asked for forever. College, before college, or even after college.. Every day before that, I never will, and never stopped loving you. I will never trade anything else for perfection.. for you. I promise that when all of this is over.. You are my one and only, good little girl.

I love you hon.. I'll never stop. I may not be able to show it now.. But remember everything that I told you here and before. Cry if you will.. If you don't.. It'll make things hard. It's s okay.. I'm also crying.. Remember that everything you feel.. I feel too hehe. I love you.

                                                    -Your Jagi
                                                        Clark

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