To The Light

*Baekhyun*

Strait face,no laugh, no cry,

no emotions..

Yeah this is how people call me..

The machine.

Do l hate it? No, I don't know even what is hate..

Love?

I wanna feel scared, existed?

I can't imagine how people feel, it doesn't exist in my world..

My own world.

Sometimes I really want to feel..

Or try smiling normally, laugh loudly, cry and love..

Even when I say "I want" I don't really do, because I don't know how it feels to want something.

People always avoid getting close to me, they say that I may hurt them without knowing,

bullshit..

Is feeling that cool? Should I feel sad? What is sadness?

What's the difference between me and the robots?

This never-ending questions is the reason people can't sit with me for a couple of minutes.

My heart is a space with no stars

__________

I've found a family, a small group of boys in a small dorm,

I think Chanyeol is the one that sits with me the most..

He's really a good talker, his mouth can't stop moving all the day, even when sleeping, his mouth is still working.

It has been a month

since Chanyeol came back from Germany,

he has a heart disease, a rare one,

doctors said it's his last month to live..

They couldn't control the disease..

That's why he came to spend his last days away from hospital, since he stayed there for about four years..

But he looks really happy and healthy..

Dunno why this world is so unfair,

always good people have to die..

__________

-December 11

Chanyeol : let's go to Namsan Tower.

Baekhyun : why?

Chanyeol : I wanna tell you something.

Baekhyun : it's OK.

Chanyeol : Baekhyun-ah follow me, do whatever I do, OK?

Baekhyun : w-why?

Chanyeol : just do it

Baekhyun : sure..

Chanyeol : promise?

Baekhyun : o-ok..

Chanyeol ran out as faster as he could

Baekhyun : yaa! Stop you fool! Your heart!

Chanyeol stopped running and sat down on the floor and said with a smile in his face : waah it's refreshing, I haven't ran for a four years.

Baekhyun : JUST LIKE KIDS YOU CAN'T STOP BREAKING RULES.

Chanyeol : you're worried worried worried (laughs)

Baekhyun : how could I?

Chanyeol : you should worry at these things!

Baekhyun : we..

Chanyeol Interrupted Baekhyun and said : give me a week, I'll throw away this curse of you, just a week ..

Baekhyun : what do you mean?

Chanyeol : don't think about it.

Baekhyun : but!

Chanyeol : aahh let's see, where do you want to eat.

__________

-December 18

Everyone is crying..

It's the first time I see the strong Suho crying,

even Sehun is shaking,

poor Jongin is sitting on the floor crying loud like a small kid,

Kyungsoo! That cold man.. what happened!

It's just..

I don't know..

Should I act crying?

That room is kind of dark somehow,

everything is white.. but still..

Sounds of crying is all over the resuscitation section..

his eyes is still open,

Minseok hyung tried to close it but he couldn't..

Should I?

Baekhyun just walked straight to that tall laying corpse.

One more step Byun Baekhyun, one more..

He touched Chanyeols eyes,

closed them,

then started to breathe faster..

Baekhyun : God I feel sick..

No!

tears are falling!

What the hell is going on!

(grabs doctor's coat and shouts)

is this normal!

God what's happening,

I can't breath!

Help.

He started coughing strongly, and just sat down on his knees,

and grabbed his neck.

Baekhyun : damn it's so freaking hurts!

Remove it of me!

I don't want it! Just take it away from me!

What is this! Doctor please..

Do something

(crying hard)

no no don't do this to me no..

I don't want it,

remove it,

or just bring him back to life..

__________

It feels horrible to lose someone that you never even had..

It's just like the oxygen is gone with him..

Every breath is like swallowing a burning coal..

His body was cold like ice

that my hand is still shaking.

The pain like someone is squeezing your heart is the worst thing I've ever experienced.

I feel the blood boiling in my vessels..

Tears can't stop trying to uproot my eyes off.

Now I feel all the love, care, positive energy and sweetness he gave to me.

He did what he promised me in that snowy day.

Don't worry Chanyeol sshi..

I'll keep on my promise..

I'll follow you one day..

To The Light.

August 19th, 5:07 am