Taming Life

Bleeding knuckles

Stood above me was the scariest person I'd ever seen. I was terrified, and I could feel Alex shivering next to me. I took her hand underneath the duvet, and she gripped mine, as tightly as she could. So much so that it hurt me, but I didn't care. I was almost as scared as she was.

"Do neither of you have mouths? What the fuck is going on here?!" Alex's dad shouted, his spit flying onto my face. I was too scared to wipe it off. He was even scarier up close. His face was contorted and red with rage, his eyes were screwed up. There was a vein popping out of his forehead which was pulsing in his anger. His hands were screwed up into fists. Presumably ready to hit us. I had never been so scared in my life. But I was far more scared for Alex than I was for me.

"Nothing dad. Nothing's happening." Alex stammered, and I looked at her and saw tears rolling down her cheeks silently.

"Why are you crying like a baby? It's pathetic! And if nothing's happening then why the hell are you cuddled up with a disgusting girl? Don't tell me you're a fucking gay freak." He spat, and Alex looked more broken than I'd ever seen anyone.

"Don't talk to her like that!" I blurted out. I couldn't help it. I wasn't going to let him talk to her like that, I wouldn't let him hurt her.

"Shut up, you're just her little lesbian whore right? I can see why you spend so much fucking time together now." He said, and his arm twitched. Before I could even blink he'd slapped me around the face, so hard that my ears were ringing. Tears streamed down my face, and Alex squeezed my hand harder. My cheek stung immediately.

"Please don't hurt her. Yes we're together, but it's not like that. Dad I love her and please don't hurt her. Please try and understand. She loves me and I love her and I just want to be accepted. And I'd rather you beat me than her. She means too much to me." Alex said, sobbing.

"So what are you...gay?" He stammered. Alex nodded, closing her eyes and looking down, squeezing my hand even harder. I stroked her hand with my thumb, trying to reassure her. Bu I couldn't hide the fact that my breath was shaky, and my heart was hammering against my chest so hard that it was most of what I could hear.

"How dare you have a relationship behind my back. With a girl. It's sick. It's all fucking SICK." He yelled, dragging Alex out of bed. I tried to pull her back but I just wasn't strong enough.

"You'll have to learn one fucking day!" He yelled, putting Alex on the floor. And then he hit her. Again, and again. I flew over to them, putting myself between Alex and her father.

"Please stop. Please just let her go, don't do this." I said, shaking uncontrollably.

"Stop, Richard." A quiet voice said from the doorway. I hadn't noticed it until now. Alex's mum.

"Get out of my way." He yelled to me, and I shook my head.

"No. I won't let you hurt her. I love her." I said, and he punched me in the jaw. I had never been punched before. My vision was going black at the edges, and my jaw started hurting, a lot. I could tell that there would be a bruise there later on. My teeth clattered against each other as well, making them hurt. He was very strong. And the fact that Alex faced this all the time broke my heart.

"Stop it! Please please stop it. She doesn't deserve this." Alex sobbed into her hands.

"Right, get out of our house. We're not having filthy scum in our house." Alex's dad screamed, and I wouldn't move. I couldn't. I was paralysed in fear, and I didn't want to leave. He could do anything to Alex, and I was terrified.

"I'm not going anywhere." I stuttered, and he picked me up and threw me off the bed. I heard Alex make a strangled noise. I felt pain spread through my shoulder immediately. That man was scarily strong.

"I won't ask you again. Get out of my house. Now." He shouted. I picked up my bag, and looked at Alex, tears streaming down my cheeks. None of the pain I felt anywhere compared to the pain in my chest. I couldn't breathe.

"Go. I'll be okay." Alex said, and I could see that she was trying not to cry.

I left. I hate myself for leaving, but I left. In my pyjamas. I ran home, crying as I went. I may have seen people, I don't even know. I was wrapped up in my own world. I ran upstairs when I got in, before anyone could see me. And then the pain really started. My jaw was aching, and my shoulder was in a lot of pain. But that wasn't the worst part. They were background to everything else. The real pain? Was in my chest. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him hitting her. Over and over. I saw her tears. I saw the broken look in her eyes. I've never seen someone look so broken before. I hated myself so much. Why couldn't I stop him. Why couldn't I have saved her.

I'm going to look after you. I heard the words in my head, over and over again. I'd promised her I'd look after her. And I'd failed. I'd failed, I'd failed, I'd failed. I loved her. And I didn't deserve her, not for a second. What was happening right now? I kept thinking that. I kept wondering how he was hurting her. I thought about how this time an hour ago we were cuddled up in her bed. Sleeping with her like that was heaven. But I didn't deserve it. I imagined if the situation had been reversed. And not for a single second could I imagine Alex leaving me like that. It just wasn't her. She'd have risked herself for me. And yet I listened to him. I left out of pure fear, for me and for her. And sure, maybe in my leaving he might have been more lenient on her. But that was just me trying to feel better for myself and I knew it.

"She's not going to be okay." I whispered, as sobs shook my body. I was on the floor now, my head in my hands. I couldn't bear it. My girlfriend. My Alex. He was hurting her and I didn't know what to do about it. There was nothing I could do. I'd lost the chance to help, and I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear it. The tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks. I went over to the mirror, to see the damage on my face, on my jaw. I had a big bruise on it. I looked like such a mess, my eyes were red and my cheeks were streaked with tears. I hated everything I saw. I hated myself. All I felt was disgust as I looked at my reflection. What an ugly person. Not just in looks, though it was true. But ugly, inside and out. Why do I even exist? I thought to myself. I wasn't any good to anyone. What kind of a girlfriend can't protect the person they're in love with. I punched the wall. Over, and over again. With each punch, I saw his face. I saw him hurting her. I saw her mum standing there, doing nothing, as her daughter was beaten by the man she married. I got madder, and madder, and madder. I had no regard for myself whatsoever. I couldn't feel any kind of pain. Eventually, my punches got weaker and weaker. And then I crumpled to the floor, entirely broken and worn out. I looked at my knuckles now, which were bleeding, quite a lot. They stung a little, I could feel it now. But all I could think was that I deserved more pain. So, so much pain. That I was just a repulsive human being. I looked at my shoulder too. It hurt a lot, and it had various bruises all over it. I knew that it was bad.

Ping.

My phone made a noise as it got a notification. I dived at it, my heart pounding at the thought that it could be Alex. Please be Alex, please be Alex, please be Alex.

It wasn't Alex.

It was Lily.

I threw my phone at the bed in anger, and frustration. I was wheezing, struggling to breathe. I wanted my chest to collapse in on itself. I didn't want to be here anymore.

"I'm sorry." I whispered to myself, coughing as I cried.

As much as I wished to stop existing, I remained here. As the horrible human being that I inevitably was.