Playing In the Dark.

Therapy in the library

'Section 2 talks about animals and its behaviour . Okay . And section 7 talks about sex and its feelings. Std,hiv and all this stuff . That's stupid ". I tell myself, sitting down in the table with a pile of books of sex on my right and my left a stack of books that talk about romance . I let my head fall and hit the table . Closing my eyes and trying to get it in my head .
I'm Katherine , I'm 21 and current relationship is single and sleeping in a wonderful apartment that I just wish I could open it to a beautiful place for me and my wonderful dog . I have a PhD on Philosophy and a licence for marriage therapist . I mean that's what I love . Guiding people to romance lands . Where princess and prince will once again hop on the horse and live happily ever after . The library is my second home . The librarian was the one to take me in when my so called mother left me in the stairs when I turned 8 . Fucked up , you think ? That's not the worse . I'm brown skin a little round curved body . I worked for what I am today . I have a perfect job, Perfect home , perfect pet, perfect food . fuck . Isn't everything perfect . But ... It doesn't really feel PERFECT .
The past haunts me . It's like a ghost that haunts my nights . I drown with pills , drown with vodka and wine . I drown with books and with a razor in my skin. Every laundry has to include a bed sheet feal with blood .
This is who I am .
A perfect life but doesn't seem perfect . I consider myself selfish . Wouldn't you ? Having it all in the world . And... Not taking advantage .
What do you think ?

'oh katherine, its not being selfish' my therapist tells me writing on his keypad . he tosses his keypad to the side of his table and looks at me In the eyes . I look away and focus my eyes on the ceiling not wanting to feel pressure at all from him. He rolls his chair to me and takes my small palm into his big palm . ' tell me katherine . why wont you open yourself to me? we been doing this for already 10 years . I don't even charge you for coming to my room . you are like a sister to me . why wont you tell me your past? its killing you so bad and I can see that . don't you?' his voice is calm and his massaging the small inside of my palm with his finger nails . I look over at him and up at the ceiling again .

I like him . I mean I guess I do . 10 years with a therapist will be a bunch of learning about life . I never learn thoe . he was my first ., lover, friend, parent and so much more . his home is lovely his currently single witch I think his little girlfriend left him a day before he was suppose to get married . I analize that from his postrait of soon to be married pictures . the first time he kissed me . oh my , wonderful it was . ill say . I giggle at the thought of it . we counted to 5 and he said we had to kiss eachother . but after 2 I coudnt take it and I just went forward and kissed him . I don't really think I was that good . but he said otherwise . that's when heat grew in between us and his hands roamed my body . I was in a hell of a shit . I knew that . because I didn't know how to have sex or how to lead to it . so I stood there motionless . his hands went up and down my thigh . while his lips where a moisture of passion and heat towards my pale cold ones . His hands touched inside my thigh and that's when all hell broke loose out of my body . Mixtures of emotions and activities and passion and ugh ! my body was uncontrollable . that's when I got scared and ran for my life . that was the mystake actaually . running . it was dark . pitch black but I didn't care . all I did was run and run . that's where they stopped me and surrounded me . where I shed tears and ... and . and oh lords up to the air . they .. I shook myself awake and looked around for Dr.Phil . I hurried to my feet and looked around until I found him he was sitting facing the window . I walked over to him and sat on the floor next to his chair . I looked out and rocked myself forwards . ' its my fault' he whispers in mid air . 'huh' I look up at him but he doesn't break contact with the outside . he doesn't continue tslking just keep satring outside but I see how cloudly and watery his eyes are getting . I rose to my knees and crawl on top of him . I put one leg to each side of his thigh and pull his head to my chest . ' please don't cry Dr.' I whisper to him massaging his scawl with my finger nails . ' you changed after you left my house that day .' he remoes his face from my cgest . ' you wasn't this bad kat, you because worse . was it because I touched you . '
  I looked him in the eye . And my heart tore in many pieces . I wouldn't want him to think it's his fault. It's actually mines for leaving . Mines for abandoning the way I felt for him , I wanted him to take me to bed ., make me his favorite doll . That's what I really wanted . I just let my nerves get the best of me . My head has finally made its sense . I wanted to tell him , I was sure of that .
I open my mouth and shut my eyes close . I took a deep breath . And started speaking . But the words just wouldn't leave my mouth . They wouldn't let itself go . I got fustruated . My mind was exploding by now and my stomach just tighten itself . "Fuck" I scream out loud . I got my self up and ran out the door . Foot after door slammed in my face while I try to capture the tears that where falling . I reach the lobby and exit the door . I let the cold air of December reach touch my burning face and ran for my car . I started the Audi and speed off the road .