Loneliness

Of all of the places I've been before, and of all of the feelings I've felt, none of those places or feelings have been anywhere near as difficult as being right here, feeling this heaviness in my chest, and longing for your company. I can't explain the heavy ache in my heart, the heady feeling that being in the same room as you gives me. It's not unpleasant, being around you could never be unpleasant, but at the same time it isn't quite enjoyable.

I love that you are here. That you share your time and conversations with me. All of the stories about the people you've met, they make me feel as though I'm there with you. The tales of frustration and anxiety over assignments that you have yet to begin, those feelings I know all too well. Even the stories from parties you've been to, and times that you've spent with other people that somehow make my heart ache with envy for not being there with you. All of these things make me so glad that you are here. That you are home.

But then I remember. You leave again soon. I will stay here, and you will go back to a place that has somehow turned into another world. And when you come back, you will have more stories. About the boy and the girl from your astronomy class that are meant to be. And the boy that neither of us can stand to even think about because we don't want to give him the satisfaction of occupying even the smallest parts of our minds. You will come back with these stories, and I will be happy again, but for now the looming sense of loneliness creeps back into my heart. And I remember what the tightness in my chest really is.

I miss you. Even though you are here now, and I can share these stories with you, I miss you so much. Because lately it has felt like even when you sit in the chair across from me and share your stories, you are a million miles away. And I know that it's just because you're busy. Two essays, an online quiz, and preparing for two exams. And I know it's just because you're tired. You stayed up all night after your astronomy lab because you didn't see the point in going to sleep only to get up again a few hours later. And I know that you want to spend time with me. It's always, "Okay, but I can't for very long because," you need to study, do laundry, spend time with your family, go grocery shopping, sleep. I know all of these things. But it makes it no easier to let you leave at the end of the weekend having only stolen an hour or two of your time. It makes it no easier to send away my best friend with only an, "I'll see you next weekend."

I miss you. And I know that it shouldn't be this big of a deal. But it is. I miss you. And I'm lonely. And there is an ache in my chest that I can't get to leave.