On The Edge

I found this idea on a website and made it to represent me...

Please don't read this. I just needed to get everything out.

Have you ever reached the point where your life is so fucked up that your friends ask about the continuous stream of scars and cuts on your thighs and arms for what seems like the billionth time and you say that your cat did them, even though you know that they know you don't have a cat and that they know something's up.

Have you ever felt like such shit that you sat there, counting the scars, memoirs of how many times you've chickened out, and held the knife on your wrist, pressing down on the vein, thinking about the pros and cons, and of who would miss you? You even make a list that goes something like this...

Pro:

-no more pain

-no more judgment

-no more fake pity

-no more faking

-no more anything

Con:

-my parents would blame themselves for not seeing the signs

Each time you do it, that red line of thick, sticky substance that runs over your skin fascinates you, keeps you coming back as it makes the pain and frustration disappear.

Have you ever been hurt so badly by someone that you love and trust that you go to the lake and just scream and scream and then you stand on a dock, shuffling closer to the edge, sticking your feet halfway over the edge and seeing how far over you can go without toppling over like a domino? You even jump up into the air, higher each time that you go up there, and every time you jump you get a little closer to the edge and you feel braver. Last time you landed right on the edge.

Have you ever thought this would help?But nothing was getting better; in fact keeping secrets was making everything worse.

Have you ever felt yourself pulling away? Until it gets bad enough the even strangers know something's different.

Have you ever loved someone who lived far away? You know that, even though they'll never love you back, you'll probably never talk to or see each other expect over picture and text, you still can't help but love them?

Have you reached the point when you're all cried out and you're so fucking numb and exhausted that you don't feel the cuts that appear routinely on your skin every day, and you just want it all to end, you just want to go to sleep and never fucking wake up. But you can never fall asleep anyway.

You've reached the point many, many times over the last few months, where there is no amount of temporary pain that can help. You are always slightly scared of what will happen when something actually pushes you over the edge and you do it.

Have you ever just wanted to get so lost? So lost within your own mind that maybe with all your new found courage you'll be able to just run over the edge of the dock, or step into oncoming traffic? Or just lay in the lake and float away. And then you wake up the next morning and the only thing you can think is that you were such a damn chicken.

Have you ever been yelled at so much that you just don't fight back, let the insults hit you.

You eventually start believing it all and for some reason, it hurts you so much that you just cry and cry and cry until you can't be bothered to cry anymore so you say ' I can't deal with this shit right now' and you turn your phone off and walk out of the house. You don't walk to anywhere, just keep walking, the rhythmic tapping of your feet calming you down for reasons unknown to you.

Have you ever reached the point where there's too many expectations? Where everyone you know just expects that you're going to be happy non-stop and that you'll always be there to give love and support and advice, which you end up doing without a break because there's so much demand, and no one seems to think that you feel like you are literally being squashed by the increasing weight upon your shoulders and you're slowly being ground down to nothing and you know you won't live long if things keep up like this.

And have you ever reached the point where you just aren't capable of caring enough to act on your emotions, and instead just sit down at your computer and pour out your feelings into something that you post online and hope everyone will think it is just a story, with no truth behind it, because you don't like the attention? Or perhaps, maybe secretly, you hope that they will realize that you mean every word you type and maybe just talk to you like you're human, and they actually talk, they don't yell, don't abuse you and they let you just be honest for once, because chances are you're never going to meet them and they will never know who you really are...?

Cause I have.